Big Time Academy

Big Time Academy

Klaus Schilling

Rating

PG-13

Disclaimer

I don’t own Zoey 101, Bigtime Rush, or any other show or work of arts.

Description

Fandoms
initially Zoey 101 plus Bigtime Rush, but many other similar-fashioned Nickelodeon shows will chime in.
Genres
massively multiplot melodramatic novel — Fluff, Family, Friendship, Mystery …
Summary
Already at elementary shool, the ‘bigtime kids’ come to thw Pacific Coast Academy. They fancy a life as pop stars and hockey cracks. Will any of their dreams come true?
People
Katie Knight–Dustin Brooks, Kendall Knight–Lola Martinez, Logan Mitchell–Quinn Pensky, Carlos Garcia–Nicole Bristow, James Diamond–Rebecca Vega, and many many others
Timeline
diverges second season Drake & Josh, first season Zoey 101,Ned’s Declassified SSG, and Unfabulous, pre-canon elsewhere

Background

  • The story is written for LiveJournal-Community Crossovers100, claim Pacific Coast Academy, prompt Teammates

Contents

Chapter 1  Big Pilot

Hello, my name is Katie Knight.

I was seven years old. I used to go to some suckish school in Minnesota where the winters are too cold for my taste. But that year, I came for second grade to a new school:

The Pacific Coast Academy is one supercool boarding school in sunny California. I would have killed to come hereto:

Bright colours all over the campus, comfy dorms, a beach and many pools, and on and on and on it goes.

I was not coming alone.

My elder — by four years — brother Kendall, came too, along with his three best friends forever:

Carlos Garcia is a lot of fun.

Logan Mitchell is very smart.

James Diamond dreamt of being a pop star. That’s why he wanted to go to a boarding school here in the greater Los Angeles area, not far from Hollywood.

I always believed that Kendall was much more gifted as an entertain than James.
He was really lazy, but potentially a better singer, actor, and dancer than anyone. Alas, he needed one or the other painful kick in the butt.

And that’s what we little sisters are good for, ain’t we?

The four of them were connected by one common hobby: They were hockey teammates. But will they make it into the National Hockey League? They had a long way to go until then, so much is sure.

Now we were in mom’s car, making our way up the braes of Malibu coast.

The ride had been long, exhausting us unto our very limits.

There it was, the label of the Pacific Coast Academy.

It was the first year that girls were admitted.

Kendall would not have come here without me, his favourite little sister, would he?

He would so have rued it if he had tried to come here without me…

We walked the campus, looking for our dorms.

Mom took me to the dorm hall for the elementary school girls.

It was a bit boring here, but the campus as such was great.

We even found a Japanese bar named Sushi Rox.

Some fourth-grade boy came along.

His name was Dustin Brooks.

Dustin offered us to take the boys to their hall. He very sweet…

I wondered how the boys were accomodated.

The dorms were for three boys each.

But my brother’s gang consisted of four boys.

I snuck into their dorm once I had my luggage done. I giggled when I saw the boys fighting over the dorms.

Kendall, James, and Carlos had been assigned one dorm, while Logan was isolated.

Of course, Logan Mitchell could not accept that. He tried to bribe either of the other boys into switching. “Math homework for three months? Four months?”

At the same time, Kendall and James fought over the single bad.

I had to do something about that before mom found out. “Hey, how about a forth bed in this room?”

The boys glared agahst.

I grinned mercilessly. Then I snuck into Logan’s assigned dorm.

The single bed was not screwed to the floor, so it was possible tro push it into the dorm next door where the rest of the gang was residing.

With Dustin’s help, I moved the obnoxious piece of furniture into the dorm of Kendall, James, and Carlos.

Then we yelled the boys into piling the single beds upon each other, forming a bunk.

The thing worked out fine.

Dustin suggested to toss a coin.

After all, James and Kendall were forced into the bottom bunks, while Logan and Carlos had to occupy the tops.

The big boys signed up for the hockey try-outs.

James said that hockey was a tough sport for boys only, so they wanted me to go away.

I grunted. Of course, I did not want to play hockey, but James went a bit too far.

Along came Dustin. “Hi!” He smiled sweetly.

We greeted him back.

Dustin said, “the boys of the basketball team don’t want my sister Zoey and her friends in the team. They are so mean. Maybe they should try out for hockey instead?”

James shook his head.

I saw a few girls coming.

As one of them, a very attractive blond middle school girl, was apparently Dustin’s sister Zoey, I figured that it was time to change the boys’ opinions. “Are you sure?” I pushed the boys into turning around.

Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos started melting away.

Dustin chuckled.

“But the captain will be a boy,” commanded James.

Zoey introduced herself unto us. “And these are my roomies Nicole and Dana, plus Quinn who lives next door…”

Nicole grinned like a real bimbo wench. “The boys are cute. Soooooooooooooooo cute…”

Kendall and his friends felt flattered. They did not yet know that Nicole’s bubbly talk could get annoying.

Dana was the tomboy of the block. She was tougher than marble and steel. She didn’t talk much, but would not want to be in her way when she was about punching or kicking.

Quinn wore spectacles and freaky braids. She was the nerd of county.

Zoey and Dustin were from the region around New Orleans.

This was not exactly a stronghold of hockey.

Nicole was from Kansas.

Quinn was from Seattle.

Dana was a Californian girl proper.

None of the girls had ever played hockey, but this didn’t mean that they were necessarily suckish.

Well, Nicole and Quinn were. But they had only come hereto in order to follow Zoey who was sort of the mother of the middle school girl family.

But Dana rocked totally.

Her shots smashed through the defenses, left and right.

Zoey was not strong, but a perfect team worker, and she was really agile.

Coach Keller grunted, but he decided to put Zoey and Dana into the first team, along with Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan.

Quinn and Nicole were not disappointed, for reasons already mentioned.

Quinn told us that she had once invented an telescope-arm hockey stick. “Do you want to see it?”

The boys shrugged.

Well, maybe some other day…

In any case, Nicole was made equipment manager, while Quinn was responsible for the technical devices, such video analysis.

But the real matches were still to come.

Chapter 2  Big Inventions

A few days later, I met Dustin in Schneider’s Drugstore, a shop on the campus.

Je had just bough a large container of gummi worms.

I wondered whether he was going to eat them all on his own. I would have liked some, too.

Dustin sighed, because he had spent all of his bucks on them.

I gave him some of my remaining bucks. “May I now have some of them?”

Dustin nodded.

Sharing or not, fact was that we were running out of bucks pretty fast.

What to do? What to do?

We decided to ask our elder siblings for money.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and James were sitting at the pool.

Well, there were several pools in addition to the beach.

Honestly said, the beach was not comparable to those beaches where big parties were celebrated.

I asked Kendall for a few bucks. “I’m addicted to candy…”

Kendal shook his head, as he had already spent his bugs for a pair of sunglasses.

His friends were out of money, too.

I grunted. Being angry, I pushed Kendall into the pool and grinned.

Kendall protested, “hey! I’m not done with my tan!”

James, Logan, and Carlos tried to fish him out from the pool, but they slipped and hit the water, as well.

Dustin wasn’t any more successful.

Zoey had told him to earn his money.

But the shops here only employed kids of at least 12 or 13 years.

Stupid laws!

Dustin told me also that his sister Zoey appeared to have problems with her endlessly bickering roomies Nicole and Dana.

Nicole was careless, she started the electric fan while Dana was still asleep.

Why did Dana have to wait until 7.55 a.m. in order to get up when school started at a quarter past eight?

As a consequence, Zoey was now going to move in with Quinn.

Dustin suggested us to tutor other kids, because we were smarterthan them. “I’ve watched a Mexican movie… maybe I should tutor some kids in Spanish?”

I smiled. “Sure! Maybe the French movie that I’ve watched last was finally going to pay…” I went to the students’ bulletin board and made a note. Four bucks per lesson should have been enough! With ten pupils to tutir each week that was 40 bucks, enough for a big cup of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and whipped cream.

My first student to titor was Nicole Bristow.

We sat down in the lounge.

“OK, Nicole, listen and repeat,” commanded I, “le garçon est joli.”1

Nicole swooned. “Indeed, he is! Have you seen the guy with the pink sweater? Aw!”

Things went on and on like this.

Unfortunately, I went fast out of words… the movie I had watched was just a short movie.

Nicole was annoyed and requested her four bucks back.

I sighed deeply. The idea with tutoring was no good…

Nicole squealed. “Carlos is the cutest of all… He’s so cute!”

Dustin was desperate as well. “I’ve tried to tutor some dweeb named del Figgalo, but it was pointless…”

I nodded.

Dustin told me that Quinn was no good roomie. “She made scary experiments with Zoey while she was asleep, stuff involving wires in her head…”

I scratched my chin. “Hey, if she paid me, I would serve voluntarily as a test bun.”

Dustin smiled. “That’s good!”

“My ideas are always good,” boasted I.

Dustin grinned.

We knocked at Quinn’s door.

Quinn opened unto us.

Dustin’s sister was already there. She was annoyed. “I won’t drink your potions.”

Quinn sighed. “Just because I’ve dissolved a t-bone steak in one of them?” She held the remaining boane aloft as a proof.

Grisly, wasn’t it?

Zoey grunted.

Quinn continued, “but where’s the fun?”

Well, Dustin and I, we were looking for fun elsewhere, but we just needed a few bucks.

I suggested, “Dustin and I, we will drink the potion for fift bucks!”

Dustin nodded solemnly.

Zoey protested, “Dustin certainly won’t do that!”

Dustin grunted, “I will!”

Zoey glared aghast. “You can’t do that! She is quinnsane!”

Dustin boomed, “don’t tell me what to do! You were the one to tell me to earn some bucks…”

Zoey sighed, “but not like this…”

Dustin moaned, “unless you give me the bucks, I will…”

Zoey was annoyed by Dustin’s blackmailing. “let’s see what Kendall has to say…” She stormed out on us.

Quinn explained a bit about her experiments.

Logan would have understood them, but we little kids didn’t.

She also negotiated about the reward.

Finally, we were down to 20 bucks each, but that still was enough for a smaller ice cream cup with whipped cream, vanilla sauce, chocolate sprinkles, and a cherry on top.

Ten minutes later, Zoey returned with Kendall.

My brother looked really upset. “Leave that, Katie, or I’ll have to tell mom!”

Zoey nodded sternly.“Same here, Dustin!”

I fainted, and so did Dustin. This time, they may have won, but they went too far. Some day, we were so going to pay it back unto them!

At least we were allowed to help Quinn with another theory she was working on:

Quinn examined the feelings of foods.

I wasn’t sure whether something like that existed, but maybe gummi worms did have feelings?

Dustin and I shivered.

Also, we were allowed to test a silent leaf blower.

It was going to serve for Nicole as a fan, so she was not going to wake up Dana when she needed to redo her hair in order to lool cute for Carlos.

Also, we tested a wireless chip.

Quinn explained, “Zoey often forgets her room key. This microchip sends a wireless signall to a receiver in Zoey’s skin, and, whenever she forgets the key, it will cause an electric shock reminding Zoey painfully of the key.”

Dustin grinned shamelessly. “Cool!”

Finally, we made a few bucks and were able to buy more candy.

But we still needed to get past the insane protectivity of our elder siblings. One day…

Fortunately, Dana and Nicole could get along, and Zoey could move back into her old dorm.

Kendall’s hockey team would have suffered badly.

The clock ticked mercilessly.

Kendall had just crossed the blue line. He passed across to Zoey.

Zoey passed back to the blue line where Dana was going to skate to.

Dana practised a cool backswing. She hit the rubber disk at top speed, sending it right through the legs of the enemy’s goalkeeper, scratching some spot where it hurt most. “Stupid guy!”

The keeper squeeled in agony.

Quinn grinned. “The training with the telescope hockey stick starts paying itself off!”

Logan clenched his fists, as his calculations had been most helpful for improving the hockey stick.

Nicole cheered. “Go, cute boys!”

This was the first victory of Pacific Coast Academy’s first coeducative hockey team.

Cheers!

1
the boy is cute

Chapter 3  Big Spy

There were six lounges for the students of the Pacific Coast Academy — three for the boys, three for the girls.

My assigned lounge was that for elementary school girls.

But it was lame,.

I dared guessing that the lounge for the middle school girls, located at Butler Hall, was a lot more fun. So I snuck into it.

The girls have ordered some sushi.

Coach Keller pronounced it in an annoying manner. Fortunately, he was not around.

The dead fish and other disgusting orange stuff was delivered by Logan Reese and by Chase Matthews, two boys of the basketball team that had rejected the girls.

Basically, Logan Reese was an utter jerk and fool, quite unlike Kendall’s friend with the same first name.

His father was Hollywood king Malcolm Reese.

I had always liked Malcolm’s movies.

Logan Reese was nowhere near as busy as his father, but totally spoiled and arrogant. He thought of girls as his toys.

Chase Matthews had been Logan’s ‘friend’ for already two years.

It was a forced friendship.

They had been roomied from the very start.

In addition, Chase owed quite a few bucks to Logan Reese.

Even Dustin did by now, because of his addiction to gummi worms.

Now Logan Reese had been hired as a delivery boy by Kazu, the owner of the Japanese bar Suchi Rox. He certainly did not need the money. Why did he accept that job? He used to be totally lazy.

Something was smelling fishy.

Oops!

Indeed, he left the hard work to Chase.

This was not so much of a surprise.

Maybe Logan Reese just wanted to abuse the job in order to get around to meeting more girls?

Or was there something more?

I needed to pay attention.

Chase looked already exhausted.

Logan Reese made an offer of piece unto the girls. He had dragged a large plush bet into the girls’ lounge. “A gift for you.”

The middle school girls, among them already mentioned Zoey, Dana, Nicole, and Quinn, glared with astonishment, but they decided to accept Loigan’s generous offer.

I would not have trusted that jerk that easily.

But the lounge was not mine, it was that of the middle school girls.

Thus it was not my business.

The nexty day. I passed by the pool where Kendall and his friends used to hang around.

The boys were there, and they laughed like crazy.

I heard them talking about some embarrassing informations about various middle school girls.

Quinn was still eating baby goo.

Nicole made a top ten of boys with the hottest lips.

Carlos was on the top of Nicole’s list.

Zoey had once tooted in church.

The girls had played a game in the likeness of Truth Or Dare in their lounge.

It was very likely that they had come up with stuff like that.

But how did Kendall and his three best friends get to know about this?

Have I just said ‘three friends’?

Oops!

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos … that’s just three.

Where was James?

Whatever, as the boys made fun of girls, they deserved a punishment.

I did not hesitate pushing them mercilessly into the pool.

Kendall gasped. “Katie! I’m going to tell mom!”

“Mom won’t approve of you making fun of girls,” replied I.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos moaned with disappointment.

I thundered, “where is James, and how did you get to know about all those embarrassing things?”

They had not seen James since the end of the classes.

All those embarrassing rumours had been abounded among the boys for hours already. Michael Barret, another ‘friend’ of Logan Reese, had been the first to talk about them.

I shrugged. “Woo to you if you keep on embarrassing girls!”

The boys trembled.

Strangely, Logan Reese had not been working today. He had feigned being sick.

Well, for me it was so obvious that he was feigning.

The next day, things were the same.

More and more embarrassing secrets of middle school girls were traded from boy to boy.

James was not seen after classes.

I decided to move on to some serious measures….

Janitor Herb had already announced to clean up the lounge of ’buildingButler Hall.

Thus the girls started budging, one by one.

Herb received a call. He picked it up.“Janitor 777 … oh, no… yeah, I’m coming!” He sighed.

There was some stuffed toilet in the home of Dean Rivers, the headmaster of the school.

Or that’s what Herb believed…

Dustin grinned when he followed me behind the lounge’s entrance. He shut his celular phone. “He did believe it!”

I chuckled.

Then we watched the lounge.

Suddenly, the live-sized plush bear started to stand up and move.

We followed without noise.

The bear disappeared behind some shrubbery. Believeing in being all alone and unobserved, he opened some zipper.

All of a sudden, a salvo of electric torches lit up.

Quinn, Zoey, Micole, and Dana almost blinded the ‘plush bear’.

The beast squealed with agony.

Half of a second later, the head of the beast was removed.

It was no other than… James Diamond.

Nicole was disappointed, as she had not expected a cute boy to be behind all those mean things.

Dana jumped at James and seized him firmly.

Dana had dragged trembling James across the campus, right into the dormitory of Kendall and his frineds. She was strong enough to drag him up Mt. Everest whenever needed.

Zoey, Quinn, Dustin, Nicole, and I, we had followed them.

Dana and Zoey tied James mercilessly to his bed, his squeals notwithstanding.

Quinn bared James’s feet. “Only five toes each foot,” moaned she. She had six toes on her right foot — one of the secrets that had been spread rcently.

I asked Quinn for a feather of her hen.

Quinn nodded. She cultivated a chicken in her dorm in order to be able to have fresh eggs on a daily base. She gave me the feather.

I used the little thing in order to tickle James’ mercilessly.

He screamed even more.

Logan Mitchell, Kendall, and Carlos Garcia bounded in.

James begged them to help him.

I ordered them to stay out of our way.

The torture went on and on.

Finally, James admitted to having spied in the girls’ lounge. “Logan has paid me to… Logan Reese, that is… not him”

Dustin and I, we had so been knowing that it was all Logan Reese’s faulkt.

But the midle school girls had hitherto not wanted to believe us.

Logan Mitchell shrugged.

“How much,” thundered Dana.

James squealed. “No money … he promised me to help me become a Hollywood star. His dad is a famous Hollywood producer.”

We knew about Malcolm Reese.

James continued, “He first wanted to bribe Wayne Gilbert, a teenage guy who seems to be an expert for electronics and technology, into helping him, but Wayne required too much. So he asked me…”

Then Zoey decided that Logan Reese needed some due punishment.

Nicole protested, “but he’s so cute! Not as cute as Carlos, but anyways…”

Dustin remarked, “I’ve already punished him.” He whistled innocently.

The next morning, Logan Reese was called into the headmaster’s office.

Reason:

Logan had told the janitors that there was something wrong with the drainage systems in his home.

Alas, there was nothing like that.

But the janitors kept on looking…

That cried for some detention.

Actually, Dustin had talked Logan into calling Janitor Herb.

Logan had expected a reward for saving Dean Rivers’s house.

Chapter 4  Big Commercial

I walked past the boys’ pool.

Logan, Kendall, and Carlos were lying lazy in the sun, working on their tan.

But James stammered strange stuff. “Jet-X…” He tried to pronounce it in several shades.

I wondered about what was going on.

Kendall explained, “The eighth graders make a project about commercials and advertising in the mass media.”

I shrugged cluelessly. “And that’s his concern because?”

Logan continued, “A friend of their teacher works for a company that wants tosell a new scooter, named Jet-X. Mr. Bender divides his class into groups of three. Each team makes a commercial for that Jet-X.”

I connected the dots. “James wants to be in the spot and be seen on TV? So he becomes a famous Hollywood star?”

Carlos nodded solemnly. “That’s it.”

Kendall grinned. “My sister is smart.”

I smiled. “James couldn’t even sell a diaper to a baby!”

James choked and coughed. “You will take that back when I’m the biggest star of all!”

I shook my head. The girls must have had a team, too…

In the lounge of the middle school girls, I found Zoey, Nicole, and Dana discussing wildly.

Apparently, they were one of the girls’ teams going for a scooter.

Quinn wasn’t with them, but she served them as a technical producer of some sorts.

Dana was mad at Nicole. “Her script is lame!”

Nicole sighed. “I couldn’t think of anything else.”

Zoey could hardly concentrate on the whole project. “I’m a good girl, why can’t I have normal roomies?” She had designed some costunes for the commercials, but she must have exaggerated with the female curves.

Alas, if James and his friends participated in a commercial, I thought it OK to help the girls. “May I participate?”

Dana shook her head. “That’s not for little girls!”

Zoey sighed. “Why not? Does it matter? The boys will win anyways.”

I wondered why.

Zoey moaned, “Logan’s dad lends them a complete set of equipment and the production staff, including Hollywood star Jeff Garrett. And what have we got?”

Nicole remarked, “my dad could donate something, too!”

I wondered, “is he a Hollywood producer?”

Nicole shook her head. “He produces softdrinks. Smoothies and so, you know.”

Dana scoffed at Nicole.

Nicole continued, “but we will be thirsty… for sure!”

Dana was upset, and she shook her booties. “Forget it!”

Nicole looked aghast. “Zoey? Say something!”

“Erm…” stammered Zoey.

Nicole pouted, “You always stick for Dana!”

“I don’t,” replied Zoey, “but now we’ve lost our director…”

I sighed. “Let me be your director!”

Nicole and Zoey looked aghast. Alas, they had nothing to lose.

I grinned. “OK, order some juice.”

Nicole beamed. “Yeah, what flavour?”

I shrugged. “A variety of fruits… we won’t want to move from thirst to boredom, will we?”

Well, most girls aged 13 or above thought of Jeff Garrett — a Hollywood star frequently working for Malcolm Reese Inc. — as incredibly hot.
I guessed that was going to be too much for him.

The girls crowded around the place where Logan Reese and some of the boys, among them James Diamond, were shooting some scenes with Jeff Garrett.

I was still fairly small, thus I had no difficulties sneaking past everyone and hide near Kendall.

It was an unusually hot late October day in Southern California.

In Minnesota, warm days were still possible around Halloween, but the nights tended to be already cold at that time of the year.

But coastal Southern California was so much different…

In any case it was not much fun for those who had to work around noon.

Michael and Chase were sitting at the sidelines. They were Logan Reese’s roomie, so weren’t they supposed to work with him on the spot? Alas, they had been good for some slave jobs, and, ever since, they were doomed to watch passively.

Jeff Garrett was forced to ride the Jet-X up and down the pavement and kiss some busty Hollywood wench at the end.

That was so icky.

James tried hard to impress Jeff.

Kendall, Logan Mitchell, and Carlos waved at James.

Carlos confused his hockey helmet with Jeff’s biking helmet. “Oops!”

Finally there was time for a break.

I walked to Jeff Garrett. “Hey, you look really thirsty, don’t you?”

Jeff moaned. “I do… this ad was so idiotic. That Logan Reese has got a few loose screws, I tell you.”

I nodded solemnly. “OK, why don’t you get something to drink? A smoothie or so?”

Jeff grinned. “That would be some interesting idea. Too bad all those horny girls jam the way to your cafeteria.”

I chuckled. “I know other places where you can get something to drink, and I know some sneaky path…”

It took me like twenty minutes to sneak Jeff underground.

And, ‘by mere accident’, we reached a spot where Zoey and Nicole were waiting.

I grinned. “Smoothie station!”

Nicole beamed. “Wow, Jeff Garrett!” She swooned mercilessly,

Zoey smiled. “Some juice, Mr. Garrett?”

Jeff smiled. “Certainly!” He picked apple and banana.

Zoey asked, “so, what do you really think about Jet-X?”

Jeff sighed. “For you teenies who don’t have a car yet, it’s certainly a cool thing, but people in my age should not be used in order to make commercials for it.”

Nicole grinned. By chance, she stood next to a Jet-X.

Jeff showed Nicole how to appear as cool as possible on a scooter.

I snuck next to Nicole, beaming brightly.

Quinn was hiding with a cool camera behind a shrubbery.

Zoey took over from Nicole.

I sat behind Zoey, holding her tightly.

“Perfect,” said Jeff. “a teenie riding on a field trip with her little sister… that’s family-friendly advertising. By teh way, that James guy isn’t as gifted as he boasts with. I liked the other giy much more…” He described my brother Kendall. He also deemed perfect for making commercials for softdrinks.

Time was going to tell…

Logan Reese appeared already to have won the project and the scooters.

But then Zoey showed her DVD, including Jeff’s words.

The referee was totally keen on that. “Yes, that’s a commercial for teenagers, not for ols farters. That’s why we wanted you to do that, and not some Hollywood producer who doesn’t understand young people.”

Zoey and Nicole were declared the winners.

The boys were mad because I had worked for the girls. But they could not catch me.

Alas, Dustin was sad because he had not been on the scooter with Zoey.

But Zoey conforted him, taking him to an excursion into the dunes on her new Jet-X.

Logan Reese went black and blue when he saw Dustin and Zoey passing by.

Chapter 5  Big Drama

Like most schools, the Pacific Coast Academy had got its own drama club, advised by some Mr. Fletcher.

The vicinity of Hollywood implied a tight connection between the drama group and later stars.

Of course, the drama club of the middle school was going to perform some play.

Playwright was Chase Matthews, aforementioned friend and roomie of Logan Reese.

Thisa year’s play was about some alien girl named Zorka who was stranded on earth.

Her spaceship had drifted off course and landed in the open sea.

She was saved by some bay guard.

At the end of the play, Zorka was supposed to kiss her hero.

I thought this plot to be totally lame.

Such a crap was found in each third cheap chick flick.

Why could the alien girl not simply kill the life guard?

I could have bet that Chase was hoping for abusing his own play in order to kiss a girl he didn’t want to fess up to.

But who was that unfortunate lass?

Well, I thought the name to say it all: Zorka… there was only on middle school girl whose name was similar enough to that.

That name was, of course, Zoey Brooks.

Oh boys!

They are so totally predictable.

As I was still fairly small, I applied successfully as a prompter.

This was going to bew a big boon, as you will see soon enough.

The first girls who auditioned as Zorka were horrible. One of them was even a boy, and precisely Dork del Figgalo, the dweeb of the middle school.

Only Zoey was able to convince Mr. Fletcher.

Chase beamed brightly.

I was thus most likely on the right track.

Then the boys auditioned for the rôle as no other than the life guard.

Needless to say that James Diamond was among them.

I had tried hard to get Kendall to participate, but he was too much of a coward.

Carlos was there, too, but he had totally forgotten to remove his helmet before entering the stage.

Chase and Mr. Fletcher sent Carlos off the stage on site.

James was not too bad, but much too nervous.

So he kad to leave the job to Logan Reese who was brilliant in his rôle as a beach guard flirting with girls he saved from the waves.

Mr. Fletcher could not help assigning the job to Logan Reese, making Chase go all black and blue in his face.

I strolled the campus and saw Dustinn,

The poor boy appeared a bit sick. “I tell Zoey about it.”

Overprotective Zoey was probably going to treat him like a baby again. But she was in theatre practice.

Thus Dustin ended up in Quinn’s room. Maybe this was going to save him from Zoey’s protectivity.

‘Dr. Miraculous’ tried to cure Dustin’s flu. She tied him to the bed and attached electrodes to his feet. Then she tickled Dustin mercilessly with strange fleshes.

I watched from outside the window. Oh no, Quinn was torturing Dustin!

I ran away. I had to get Zoey to help Dustin, even at the cost of busting the rehearsals of te drama club.

I had snuck in through the ventilations and other obscure ways. I saw Zoey standing on the stage and talk with Logan Reese.

Mr. Fletcher was totally enthusiastic. “What a chemistry!”

Chase was of a totally different opinion.

I yelled at Zoey, “hurry up, Quinn is torturing poor Dustin with electroshocks!”

Zoey gasped. “Sorry, Mr. Fletcher, but my little brother needs me! Quinn, prepare for some trouble!”

Mr. Fletcher was consternated and stammered helplessly when he noticed Zoey running away like a freshly lubrified flash of lightening.

Zoey stormed Quinn’s dormitory laboratory. “Quinn! How dare you!”

I followed her.

Dustin squealed.

I helped Zoey unchain her brother.

Quinn protested energically, but in Vain.

Zoey took Dustin into her arms like a baby. “Don’t worry, little one, now I’m here. We’re going home, and I’ll make you the sdame home0made remedies that grandma has always made us.”

Dustin was a bit surprised. He knew that he was now treated like a little baby, but he was not totally unhappy about it. He kept on clinging tightly to his sister.

Zoey had dragged Dustin into her own dorm, shooing Dana away.

Dana fled screaming because she did not want to catch a flu.

I gasped. Catching a flu would have prevented Zoey from kissing that disgusting jerk named Logan Reese.

Zoey cared very well for her little prince.

Alas, a few minutes later, Zoey started to sneeze and cough. She had been too close to Dustin and caught the flu as well.

I called Nicole who had been in the rehearsals as well.

But drama practice was now all done.

Nicole had now to take care of both Dustin and Zoey.

Needless to say a sick Zoey was not able to play Zorka.

We needed to find some substitute pretty fast.

Kendall and his friends were lying around the pool.

I grinned. “OK, bro, I’ve got some job for you!”

Kendall did not understand.

I opened my bad, producing a blond girl’s wig. “You are now Zorka!”

Kendall glared aghast.

I tried to fit him the wig.

Kendall wanted to run away, but his friends tripped him up.

It was the day of the big play.

Kendall had not learned his text.

But this was no problem because his favourite little sister was the prompter.

Nobody had so far noticed that ‘Zoey’ was indeed Kendall Knight, my beloved big brother.

Mr. Fletcher was keen on ‘Zoey’’s perfect performance, especially ‘her’ interesting improvisations.

Chase was trembling with disgust. He was forced to watch the performance because he was the playwright. But he knew that he was not going to survive watching Logan Reese kiss Zoey. He almost threw up.

Logan Reese started flattering his alien ‘girl’ mercilessly.

Kendall was disgusted, but he kept on smiling. “Aw really? You want to kiss me?”

Chase uttered his last prayers.

Logan Reese smiled triumphantly,. “Yeah!”

Kendall trembled with disgust.

Logan Reese pulled him closer and closer.

Kendall squealed and floundered.

Finally, his wig slipped.

Logan Reese was consternated. “Kendall Knight?”

“AW, my hero,” replied Kendall, still stuck in his rôle.

The audience laughed its butt off.

Mr. Fletcher’s brain froze over. What had been going on?

Logan was scared to death. He left the stage screaming. Now he was turning into the school’s laughing-stock!

Mr. Fletcher was still immobilised.

Alas, Chase was not only laughing, he cheered enthusiastically and bounced around.

Mr. Fletcher started to thaw. He hit himself over and over, checking whether he was dreaming or awake. “That was not what I have expected… but it was brilliant!”

Kendall stammered. “Er… you think so, Sir?”

Mr. Fletcher nodded. “A new drama king is born!”

I finally left my prompter’s cage. “You have to bow to the audience!”

Kendall sighed. “Oh, sure…” He bowed deeply.

I returned to Zoey’s dorm.

Zoey and Dustin were still a bit ill, but they improved rapidly, down to Nicole’s kind care.

They asked us, “Have we missed out on something?”

I shrugged. “Not much…”

Zoey and Dustin sighed.

I waved.

It was Kendall’s first step.

But he still refused to accept that he was the born entertainer, infinitely much better than James.

And the next chance to give a proof of his skills was not far away.

But we did not know of it yet.

Chapter 6  Big Drake

I made my regular trip to the pools where the boys used to loiter.

They were talking about something called spring fling, which was sort of a party.

These parties used to be totally lame, down to the lack of decent music.

But this year, Zoey was trying to get Drake Parker and his band to perform here.

I wondered about Drake.

James explained, “Drake is the new shooting star of Californian rock music. He has recently subbed for Devon Malone1, and he harvested more applause in ten minutes than Devon had received during his first five years.”

Needless to say, this was a career of the kind James had been dreaming of for quite some time.

Kendall was truly impressed.

Logan Mitchell tried to make some statistical sense of those informations.

Quinn Pensky had recently started dating Mark del Figgalo.

Logs was a bit jealous. He tried harder in order to impress Quinn with his mathematical skills. But he refused to admit to everything.

Carlos just played with his helmet.

Alas, there was one big problem:

Drake Parker’s manager required 5,000 bucks for a gig.

Carlos concluded, “that’s a lot of money!”

I thought it so mean.

We were kids, and not money poopers.

We returned to the lounge.

Nicole was really eager on meeting Drake, She had a deadly crush on him.

Dustin and I, we had donated a few bucks.

Zoey gasped. “Dustin, where’s that money from?”

He fainted.

I explained, “Quinn is making experiments with us. She pays us well.”

Kendall and Zoey were upset. “Quinn sdoes what?”

I hated that.

Dustin and I, we knew what we were doing.

But our elder siblings needed to spoil everything.

Finally, it was all their fault.

They did not give us any bucks.

Thus we needed to earn them otherwise.

Zoey picked up her phone. “We may try to earn a few bucks by washing the teachers’ cars or so, but I have to negotiate a bit with Drake’s management.”

We sighed bitterly.

Zoey typed a long number. Then she appeared to talk to that manager.

But it appeared in vain.

Drake’s manager was a stubborn bloodsucker. He insisted in 5,000 bucks.

We were desperate.

Kendall wanted to trumpet his opinion down that Manager’s throat.

I poked Kendall. “Do that!”

He picked up Zoey’s phone.

Zoey remarked, “thanks?”

Her voice was sarcastic.

Kendall started singing some rap he had invented.

The song was really gross and insulting, comparing the manager to some stuinky fart.

Zopey gasped. “Now we may forget about Drake Parker!”

James was even more upset. “You’ve ruined my career!”

I snuck away as fast as possible, taking Dustin with me.

We hid outside the lounge’s window.

The middle school kids discussed wildly.

Suddenly, Zoey’s phone rang again.

I listened carefully, but I didn’t understand.

Alas, Zoey, Dana, Nicole, and the boys were totally excited.

Zoey jumped and bounced around, cheering like nobody’d business.

We walked back into the lounge.

Logan Mitchell explained, “you won’t believe it… it was Drake…”

I wanted to hear the details.

Zoey explained, “Drake loves Kendall’s song. He has fired his manager, and he will sing here for free, but Kendall has to sing with him.”

Alas, becoming a big star was James’s dream, not Kendall’s.

Of course, my brother was much more gifted, but he had not considered such a career. And he had remorses because he did not want to beat his best friend to his dream career.

Alas, Logan, Carlos, and James pushed Kendall into accepting.

Drake and his band had halted their van down by the parking lot.

The bigger girls were all excited by Drake.

Nicole wanted to marry him on site.

Drake was accompanied by his new manager — and step-brother — Joshuah Nichols and by his little sister Megan.

The latter scoffed at her elder brother in a very domineering manner. She appeared very cool.

I waved unto her.

Megan asked me for some cool place without ‘boobs’.

Boob was an expression she used for worthless boys such as Drake and Josh.

I showed Megan across the campus.

We stumbled upon Dustin who was unconscious.

I sighed. “Quinn has gone too far with her experiments.”

Megan cared for the poor boy. “Quinn must be such a boobette!”

At the same time, Drake started playing at top volume, performimg Highway To Nowhere2.

I complained about our elder siblings’ demeanour which had brought us into that situation.

Megan nodded. “Elder siblings are but one excessive pain in the tail. Do you want me to teach you whipping them into oblivion?” She grinned diabolically.

Dustin nodded solemnly. He was still dizzy, but he was eager on knowing.

So was I.

Megan smiled. “Look at my page meganparkerDOTcom.3, many hints complete with videos.”

I smiled. “That sounds fantastic!”

We had now missed out on part of the concert.

But Megan promised to provide us with pirated copies of Drake’s music videos.

Next, Drake sang his new song Only Time4.

This was Kendall’s big moment.

He sang side by side, arm in arm with Drake Parker.

James went pale. He tried hard to get some attention when he sang and danced along.

Carlos tried, too, but he slipped forth and back like an idiot. Fortunately he wore his helmet when he crashed into Drake’s van.

Even Megan applauded.

Everyone deemed this party the best party ever at this school.

Finally, the performance was over.

Drake sighed. “Kendall, you’re the biggest talent ever!”

I grinned. I had always known that Kendall was way more gifted than James.

Drake wanted Kendall to become his new lead singer, if only possible.

Unfortunately, Drake lived in San Diego, which was a whole morning’s car ride away from here.

Logan Mitchell started some calculations.

I wondered what he was doing.

A few minutes later, Logan Mitchell explained, “well, let’s see… how about practising in teleconference?”

Drake and Kendall looked aghast.

Josh explained, “you mean Drake practises in San Diego, Kendall here in Malibu, and they see and here each other?”

Logan nodded. “Quinn has invented something for that avail, but it still requires some tuning.”

Kendall and Drake beamed brightly.

Finally, Drake, his band, Josh, and Megan had to get their belongings together and leave us, bound for San Diego Belleview.

We waved at them.

Logan sobbed. “Kendall, do you need a manager, just as Josh is Drake’s manager?”

My brother nodded. “Do you want to…”

Logan smiled.

Kendall cheered. “Yeah! I can’t think of any better manager!”

The two of them high-fived.

James, on the other hand, was thoroughly disappointed.

That was no good…

Quinn’s system of video conferencing worked perfectly.

But my video conferences with Megan worked even better.

The videos showing her pranks on Drake and Josh were delicious.

Zoey and Kendall would better beware. They could no longer treat us like babies, or else…

1
cf. Drake & Josh : The Guitar
2
song by Drake Bell which I don’t own
3
cf. Drake & Josh : Honour Council
4
song by Drake Bell which I don’t own

Chapter 7  Big Plagiarism

I walked across the campus, making it to the pool where the boobs used to loiter.

The boobs?

Oh yes!

I’ve adopted Megan’s habit.

Carlos Garcia, James Diamond, Logan Mitchell, and, last but not least, my own big brother Kendall were nothing but boobs.

I liked Megan’s pranks a hell of a lot, and I imitated them shamelessly.

Megan was the best best friend forever ever! She even taught me online poker.

Reaching the pool, I noticed Logan missing.

Kendall sighed. “He’s preparing for the science fair. He wants to be at least as good as Quinn, in order to impress her.” He shrugged helplessly, as he hated science.

I chuckled.

Carlos wondered why his hair was in such a bad state.

I replied, “would you place take off your helmet before shampooing your hair?”

Carlos gasped.

James and Kendall snickered mercilessly.

Carlos remove his helmet. He was about putting it into some totally fancy backpack. “I better ask Nicole to shampoo my hair. She is an expert for hair styling.”

I wondered, “wow, where is that thing from?”

Carlos replied, “well, Nicole had spoiled the backpack by accident with some sweet gelatineous goo. Zoey had ornated the whole thing. I bought it off them. They had paid a lot of money for the rotten backpack.”

I shrugged. “OK…”

Logan returned from his secret laboratory. “Quinn tries to cultivate a cross between a banana and an apple. I have to do something better. I thought about a helmet for Carlos with built-in infravision.”

Carlos grinned. “Only if Zoey ornates it.”

I giggled.

Kendall and James did not understand what Logan had been talking about. But they definitely wanted to see it nicely adorned.

Logan sighed. “I’ve studied last year’s state-wide science fair. It was cool. A certain Melinda Crenshaw won with her genetic experiments on poodle bastards.1 She cloned her puppy. Isn’t that cool and exciting?”

James swooned. “I want a younger clone of Nickie Sharetzinger2!”

“Aw boob…” I ran away, sighing aloud.

I was watching PayTV in the lounge.

This was my way to get aout of depressions caused by Kendall’s stupidity.

Dustin walked in. “Hi, Katie! Do you watch that Mexican show…”

I nodded solemnly, knowing that Dustin liked it, too.

This allowed us to share the fees.

Dustin sighed. “Someone has copied Zoey’s backpacks.”

“You mean, he plagiarised it,” did I reply, “how do you come to think so?”

Dustin panted and moaned, “well, there’s that booth run by a new girl on the campus. She calls herself ‘Stasie’, but that is so fishy…”

I shrugged. “That’s no good… we’ll investigate it after TV.”

Dustin nodded solemnly.

I had gathered the boobs.

Then we snuck up to ‘Stasie’’s booth.

Dustin used a digital cam. “We need a proof!”

I nodded solemnly.

We watched the fake girl selling backpacks invented by Zoey for a price thrice as much as unadorned backpacks.

Logan Mitchell was consternated. “That is…”

The other boobs glared at Logan. “Do you know her?”

I chimed in. “Who’s that girl?”

Logan sighed with despair. “That must be Melinda Crenshaw.”

I guessed, “the freak who had cloned her puppy?”

Logan nodded solemnly, sighing with despair. “And now she’s cloning backpacks…”

I remarked, “she plagiarises. That’s what you mean..”

Logan gasped.

We needed to stop Melinda and get her to fess up. For that avail, we went through all informations about Mindy that we could catch online.

Logan showed us the hiomepage of the Science Fair Association of California.

I read, “Melinda Crenshaw, born Sept. 1990 in San Diego…” I skipped a few lines. “Goes to Belleview Highin San Diego.”

Carlos grinned. “That can’t be ‘our’ Stasie. She goes to this school, not to Belleview.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t matter. Those informations date from last year’s state-wide Science Fair.”

Carlos sighed with despair.

Alas… the name Belleview rang a storm bell.

Kendall remarked “that is Drake Parker’s school!”

Carlos shrugged. “Oh, really?”

I remembered vaguely that Megan was from Belleview Elementary School. That made a whole lot sense. This cried for an email int Megan’s direction…

Megan answered really fast. She confirmed Mindy’s data.

I alerted Kendall. “Mindy has recently tried to get Drake framed for something she had done in order to get back at some teacher.3 She got suspended by the honour council. That was three weeks ago…”

We went asking around.

Nobody had seen ‘Stasie’ earlier than that terminus post quem, not on the campus at least.

Dean Rivers had been consternated. He had ordered the papers submitted by ‘Stasie’ upon her application to be scrutinised with care.

A few days later, the obvious was verified.

‘Stasie’ was Mindy Crenshaw who had enrolled using a fake name and submitting forged documents.

Officer Garcia4 — better known as Carlos’s dad — arrived on the campus in order to arrest Mindy for various frauds.

She was not going to be released from prison during the next five years.

Carlos cheered.

Alas, Logan was a bit sad. “After all, she’s just a hot science geek girl.” He felt miserable for having recognised her.

And we all knew that she was going to get back at us in just a few years from then.

We entered the lounge of Butler Hall.

Logan Mitchell walked past Quinn. “Hi, how’s your scientific project doing?”

“Fine,” remarked Quinn.

“Mine too,” replied Logan. “It could not work out any better.” He sighed.

Quinn grunted, “really, it’s terrible. The banapples are excessively acidic. Their juice burns through brass.”

“Ouch!” Logan admitted, “hell, my helmet… the infravision makes you totally dizzy. That blows. I’ll show you…” He donned the helmet.

I had to push a button.

Logan Mitchell bounced around without any aim, floundering and stumbling into everything that happened to be in the lounge. He made everyone laugh.

Quinn sighed.“Sorry. Maybe we should reunite and work together on a project? If we gang up, we will beat everything. And, with Mindy Crenshaw out of the race, only someone like Simon Nelson Cooke from James K. Polk School5 may stop us.”

That sounded fantastic! Logan beamed. “But… sure! That will be cool! Nothing’s going to stop us now. Never!”

Quinn remarked, “just to make it clear: I’m still dating Mark del Figgalo.”

Logan sighed subtly. “OK, as you wish…”

But this was probably one great start.

Zoey came along. “OK, my backpacks are now available in the campus shop.”

We wondered about the price.

Zoey replied, “Same as regular backpacks.”

James gasped. “But then you don’t earn anything.”

Zoey nodded. “But we all get a new stereo plant for the lounge.”

A few man walked in and started fixing the box.

“Party time,” yelled Carlos. He donned Logan’s latest helmet and started dancing with random girls. Of course he was all dizzy.

But who cared.

The party was great…

1
cf. Drake & Josh : Honor Council
2
cf. Bigtime Rush : Big Time Audition
3
cf. Drake & Josh : Honour Council
4
cf. Bigtime Rush : Big Time Break
5
cf. Ned’s Declassified SSG

Chapter 8  Big Dance

Once more, I met the boobs down by their favourite pool.

They were looking at questionaries.

I shook my head. That was so unusul for them…

Kendall explained, “it’s for the middle school dance. The questionaries decide about our partners.”

“Weird,” replied I, “questionaries are even dumber than Carlos.”

Carlos grunted sarcastically, “thanks!”

“No problem!” I grinned with extreme mischief.

As an elementary school kid I was not allowed to go to that dance.

But there were certainly backdoors, weren’t there?

The boys’ hockey team had made it into the state finals through a back door.

Those things rock totally.

Of course I was curious to see which girls were unlucky enough to be assigned to the boobs.

Finally, the questionaries had been collected and evaluated by some stupid computer.

I had to listen to Logan’s endless talks about how those computers worked. I kicked Logan’s hindside thrice a day.

The boys stood in a long queue.

Carlos was the first of them to reach the bulletin board. He read, “Carlos Garcia – Nicole Bristow”.

I giggled. She will talk his ears off telling him how cute he was…

Logan was assigned to Quinn Pensky.

I sighed with relief. Any other girl would have killed him for talking about the way selection algorithms work. Quinn, on the other hand, would turn reverse the whole thing and torture Logan with creepy facts about strange insects and spiders.

Finally, the big moment was there for Kendall and James.

They looked sternly at the board.

Kendall was consternated. “James?”

James coughed with horror. “Kendall?”

That decadent piece of metal and silicon had assigned thoses boobs to each other.

I fell up through the clouds laughing.

How could that happen?

The boobs had been totally bored while filling in the forms.

I did not want my elder brother to go to the dance with a lame and loose girl such as Trisha Kirby.1

Trisha made out with each and every boy in her classes.

Thus I offered James to fill in his questionary, requesting just a few bucks.

James didn’t even notice that I checked the box reading “female”.

And that did the trick.

Finally, it was time for the dance.

Dustin sobbed bitterly, because his sister was going to the dance with some dumb pervert named Glen Davis.

Zoey was accidentally assigned to too boys: Chase Matthews and Glen Davis.

Chase had let Dustin fill in the questionary in a way allowing him to get matched with Zoey.

Glen must have stolen Zoey’s answers. He was so going to pay for that.

I had snuck with Dustin through the ventilation systems.

That was so easy!

We watched the dance from the grates.

Glen Davis was such an utterly perverse jerk. He was just interested in Zoey’s good looks. He could not talk about anything to her.

This was so outrageusly disgusting.

Logan Reese, the evil cheater, was dancing with Dana Cruz.

That was totally cool.

Dana treated the jerk appropriately, kicking his toes mercilessly without remorses.

But now it was our time to shine.

It was pretty dark dowwn there, allowi ng us to sneak past almost everyone to the buffet table.

Dustin and I, we had served quinn during some of her experiments.

One of her recent inventions were fat free potato snacks.

Another research of hers, with Logan Mitchell’s help, involved artificial scents of fruits.

They had started with coconut flavour.

I mixed the latter quickly with the artificial potato crisps, leading to coconut-flavoured potato crisps. Then I grabbed the real crisps and replaced them with our fakes. Finally, we hid behind a fake palm tree.

It was equally safe in there.

And we could watch the others even better.

Glen Davis grabbed one of the faked crisps. “Yummy… coconut flavour…”

Zoey shook her head. She hated unhealthy snacks.

Glen stuffed one of them down his throat. Thereupon he passed out on site.

The coconut thing appeared to be somniferic.

Glen slumped onto the ground.

Zoey was consternated.

I giggled mercilessly.

The evil nurse2 had to come and drag the jerk away.

Kendall wanted to taste the crisps.

Of course I did not want him to get hurt the same way.

I loaded my blowpipe and blew an arrow into Kendall’s fleshy butt.

My brother squealed with agony.

James had to help him. “Yhere’s a dart stuck in your rear…”

Kendall ordered James to remove it.

James shrugged. “OK…”

Kendall squealed even more. He floundered and slipped, falling against James.

Quinn and Logan Mitchell recognised the chips and the scent of coconuts. They requested the lights to be turned on.

Many pupils squealed.

Quinn announced that the crisps were dangerous. “They make you fall asleep pretty fast, and they take your voice away!”

The pupils were horrified.

The party appeared to have been busted.

The lights being on, Kendall recognised me. “Katie? What are you doing here? You have to be in bed at this time!”

Zoey said similar stuff unto Dustin.

We sighed. “You’re a bunch of lamers who can’t even celebrate a simple party!”

“Wow,” remarked Nicole, “we are lamers. Are we lamers?”

Carlos shrugged. “Probably!” he had not removed his helmet during the dance.

I suggested them to make a real party. “With live music! Kendall? James?”

Kendall took an empty bucket, put it upside down, and used it as a drum.

Then James and Kendall played Drake Parker’s and Kendall’s latest song.

The party went on.

During the next break, Quinn had something to announce. “My cousin Camille will come to this school after summer break!”

We cheered.

Logan Mitchell had something to say to that avail. “My cousin Shannon3 will come as well.”

The pupils gasped.

Likewise, James announced the arrival of his cousin Shane4.

Carlos boasted with the upcoming arrival of Lola Martinez, one of his second cousins.

We were now all looking forward to the next year at Pacific Coast Academy.

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Bad Girl
2
cf. Zoey 101 : Girls Will Be Boys
3
cf. iCarly : iWin A Date
4
cf. iCarly : iSaw Him First

Chapter 9  Big Noise

The sun rose above the Sierra Nevada for the start of a new season at Pacific Coast Academy.

We arrived on the campus.

The boobs were going straight to their dorms.

Alas, Carlos noticed his second cousin. “Lola!”

Lola hugged the hell out of him. “Aw Carlos! Long time not seen!”

Carlos sighed.

Lola wore some fancy outfit, with multi-coloured strands in her hairs, and an interesteing dress. “I’m applying for a few movies…”

Kendall’s eyes bugged out.

I poked him. “Come on, boob, you’ve promised to help me with my luggage. Or I will tell mom…”

But James was a lot worse. He could not get his eyes off Lola.

I sensed some trouble between Kendall and James to be around the corner. I wondered what to do.

Too bad the boobs were stuck in their own dorms, scaring me away.

Finally, I reached my own dorm. I needed to do my luggage all alone.

I had two new roomies named Millie1 and Amber2.

Amber Tate was really annoying. She was probably going to be one of those arrogant divas.

Of courese, Kendall was never going to turn out like that, even as a big star.

Or else…

Millie was the most fearless girl I’ve ever seen.

Back on the campus, some terrible noise was heard.

Zoey, Nicole, and Dana walked past us.

Dana was as grumpy as usual.

We had had a hard time to dissuade her from switching to Paris, as our hockey team needed her as desperately as can be.

Nicole chuckled.

Zoey moaned, “Logan Reese… he has bought a new stero factory into the boys’ lounge.”

I gasped. “I guess the boobs will now hang out in there…”

Zoey sighed with despair. “I’m sure that Dustin does. He wants to beat the high score of some new video game called Space Intruders, from the Galaxy Wars series.”

I moaned, “those big boys are no good company for Dustin.”

Zoey nodded solemnly.

Nicole remarked, “I wouldn’t have minded Dana going to Paris…”

Zoey poked Nicole. “Dana would have been replaced by someone worse, such as the new roomie of Quinn. Her name is Lola.”

I gasped. “Lola Martinez? The cousin of Carlos?”

Nicole nodded. “She scares me. She talks to the dead and stuff.”

I chuckled. “Come on, she’s just an actress who prepares for some movie.”

Nicole sighed. “Quinn says the same about her cousin Camille, as horrible drama queen.”

A girl resembling Quinn walked past us. “You dirty bitch,” thundered she at Dana, slapping her slightly, “you’ve stolen my boyfriend, ruined my life, and everything.” Then she walked on.

Alas, Dana kicked her butt hard, making her scream.

“That is Camille,” guessed I.

Zoey, Dana, and Nicole thought the same way.

Three new drama queens are a bit too much for me.

I needed a berry smoothie and some Pay TV.

The fears concerning the boobs were justified.

The next day, they were still hanging out in the lounge of Maxwell Hall, the residence of Logan Reese and his roomies Michael Barret and Chase Bartholomew Matthews.

Dustin had been paid by Logan for carrying the whole entertainment factory.

Alas, I should not have complained. I had been paid well by Amber for carrying her stuff.

During the night, I had heard a scream from outside. I had slipped into my vest, leaving the dormitory building through some sneakway.

The scream came from some nearby tent.

I lit my electric torch, and I looked inside the tent with the scream. What did I see?

Michael Barret was afraid of a bug.

Chase Matthew emerged from the other tent.

I gasped. “What are you boobs doing here?”

Michael screamed.

Chase replied, “we can’t bear the infernal noise in our lounge. Logan Reese goes way too far.”

I still wondered about Michael’s ongoing scream.

Chase explained, “he’s afraid of bugs…”

I giggled. “Then you should contact my roomie Millie, also called spider stomp.”

Chase and Michael glared at each other.

I returned to my bed.

An hour later, I woke up again.

The whole campus was pitch-black.

The noise from Maxwell Hall was gone.

Apparently the boobs had overpowered everythging.

Now we all were going to suffer from the consequences.

That was not fair!

I walked out again.

My electric torch was already low on power.

I stumbled into Dustin. “What are you doing?”

Dustin was lost on the campus at night. He screamed. “I was so close to beating the high score. And then… bang!”

Kendall wasn’t far from there. “It’s all James’s fault. He wanted to beat me in a match of America Sings.3, a video game based on my favourite casting show with Ron Dee Jackson.4.”

I shook my head. “Oh boob…”

And there was James.

Kendall and James started wrestling in the dark, continuing the interrupted death match. They were probably fighting over Lola Martinez.

I urged carlos to do something about that.

Lola was his second cousin.

And he had introduced her unto us.

But Carlos was totally helpless.

Logan Mitchell suggested, “James’s cousin Shane is a technology freak. He could certainly repair the power failure…”

I shrugged.

What was worse:

More noise, or the boobs kicking each other in the dark?

Next morning, Shane had repaired the whole thing.

James and Kendall glared at each other in a toxic manner.

I needed to do something.5 “OK, boobs,” said I, “you can’t agree over Lola, so there’s only one thing we can do. Dustin, the saw!”

Dustin had recently learned a trick enabling him to saw virgins into half. He returned with a sharp instrument. “May you at least agree on who wants the top half, and who wants the bottom half?”

Kendall and James looked aghast.

They started reasoning.

Along came Zoey and Lola.

Zoey was pushing a big box on rolls.

Lola started to climb into it.

James and Kendall were still undecided.

Dustin announced, “ladies and gentlemen… I will now divide that hit virgin into two parts.” He started sawing.

Lola giggled. “Aw, that tickles!”

Dustin grinned sadistically.

James decided, “OK, I take the lower half.”

Kendall protested. “No way, I don’t want Lola to be divided, I give up. James may have her in one piece.”

I grinned and raised an arm.

Dustin stopped sawing. He opened the box.

Unscathed Lola left her box and threw her arms around Kendall. “My hero…”

Kendall kissed Lola tenderly.

Carlos and Logan giggled.

James sighed deeply.

Kendall started singing a version of Copacabana6. “Her name was Lola, she was showgirl, coloured strands adorned her hair, and her dress was sawed eight there, …”

Everyone sang and danced along.

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Roller Coaster
2
cf. iCarly : iCarly Saves TV
3
cf. iCarly : iRock The Vote
4
cardboard figure in iCarly : iSpy A mean Teacher — spoof off Randy Jackson
5
the following is inspired by I Book Of Kings, 3:16-20
6
song by Barry Manilow which I don’t own, either

Chapter 10  Big Spook

The following weeks flew by like nothing.

James had been voted class president, because he was the hottest guy of the middle school classes.

Laugh!

Kendall had learnt from ‘his’ Lola to cheat on school projects, rather, feigning reasons in order to flunk them and not getting punished, such as the death of a grandmother.

But, verily, there are not enough people in my family to get killed in order to provide for all the excuses Kendall was going to need for flunking his projects.

Halloween was now just around the corner.

The school had a long tradition of Halloween parties.

I met Dustin in our lounge.

He yawned. “The freshmen kids are going to make a haunted house for us elementary school kids. It used to be boring.”

I wondered, “you mean your elder sister and her friends?”

Dustin nodded. “Zoey doesn’t want to scare others. But Logan Reese tinks he’s the biggest, and he will make us all scream and whimper in agony.”

I grinned. “What if we make Logan scream?”

Dustin giggled.“That would be so totally cool!”

I surfed across the interweb, looking for local experts for horror movies.

That sounded cool:

There was a girl of about the same age as the boobs.

Her name was Stephanie King-Myers1.
She had put some short movies on a web site.

Those were horror movies of the singlemost scary sort. And they were all home-made, with very few devices.

I knew Stephanie to be exactly whom I needed in order to scare the living daylights out of Logan Reese.

Stedphanie was cool.

It did not take us a lot of time in order to plan her next horror movie.

This time, the main actor did not know about being in a movie.

The one main actor was Logan Reese. He had told us over and over about the horrible horror in front of us. “Even Millie’s blood will freeze over in her veins!”

‘Dauntless’ Millie giggled mercilessly.

Chase Matthews was dressed as a vampire, according to his own opinion, or as a magician, according to our judgment.

Zoey was dressed as Marilyn Monroe.

Quinn had forced her boyfriend Mark del Figgalo into some bandages, making him look like an Egyptian mummy.

Alas, daily Mark had not been creepy enough.

Nicole looked terrifying. She was like Dorothy from Wizard Of Oz2, but had the tinman’s axe stuck in her back.

Michael was dressed as a zombie. But he looked more like some run-down hobo in need of a hospital.

Dana just glared at Logan. “Your face is already one horror film, it scares away all the girls!”

Logan Reese coughed. “No way, girls are totally into me!”

Dana kicked Logan’s feet again.

Logan whimpered.

Lola was absent. She had to shoot a movie with Malcolm Reese.

Camille wasn’t around, either. She was already hiding in the haunting house, following a plan by Stephanie King-Myers.

Logan prepared us once more for a time of dismay and spook.

The doors to the haunted mansion opened.

Many things common to haunted houses were found also here: fake spiders with gleaming green eyes, fake skulls on stakes, or even complete skeltons in suspense from the ceiling.

Millie started to tremble.

Logan grinned with satisfaction. “That’s just the beginning…”

Michael started trembling as well. And he had been Logan Reese’s closest helper in adorning the spooky mansion.

Logan giggled with extreme glee.

Chase whistled a fearful tune. He had been insisting in being a vampire.

Suddenly, Camille stood in his back. She tickled his neck with crudely cut fingernails. “Chase!”

Chase squealed.

Camille boomed, “you dare to call yourself a vampire?”

Her dagger-shaped fangs approached Chase’s throat.

Chase trembled.

Camille grinned and batted her wings. She was now floating aloft, pulled by strings invisible in the darkness.

Chase squealed, “I’m a magician. I’m not a vampire!”

Camille cackled with glee.

The tips of her fake fangs touched Chas’s shirt.

Chase fled screaming.

I giggled mercilessly.

Logan Reese opened the door to the tunnels of horror, the next part of his haunted mansion. Now there was no way back.

Dancing bones jumped up and down.

Millie squealed at the top of her lungs. Then she collapsed without any firther warning.

“Now you’ve gone too far, Logan Reese,” boomed Zoey.

Logan gasped. “What’s going on? I wanted to scare you screaming, not to death.”

“Killed,” replied Michael, “as in … Millie is dead?”

Dustin lunged forward, bellowing, “you’ve murdcer3ed Millie, you ruthless devil!”

Logan trembled. He could not answer. Was Millie really dead? he could hardly move.

“How will you tell her mom…” asked I.

Logan slowly bowed down. He trembled like aspen leaves in a tornado. He tried to check weather Millie was still breathing.

Many kids called Logan a murderer.

Dana handed Logan an electric torch.

Logan turned the light on. He saw Mille being all pale in her face, and not moving at all. He used his hands in order to check her breath.

Millie sat up.

Logan gasped.

His heart stood still.

Millie roared, “don’t dare to touch me, you perverse jerk!” She slapped him across his face.

Logan was pale and stiff.

The lights went on.

Logan did not notice that. He just screamed incomprehensible nonsense.

Dana chuckled.

I wiped some white powder off Millie’s face. “OK, you’ve been great!”

Stephanie stepped up to Logan Mitchell and to Shane. “Did you get the pictures?”

Shane nodded. “Perfect pictures! They will be on the web by tomorrow evening.”

Shannon Mitchel hugged her cousin Logan. “You would a cool tech producer.”

I high-fived with Stephanie. “The best short horror movie, ever!”

Dustin grinned.

We started to leave the mansion and celebrate the rest of Halloween outside.

Kendall and Carlos had not understood at all what had been going on.

But Logan Reese was not going to scare us little kids that fast again, was he?

Malcolm Reese liked the movie, and it was soon going to be shown in Hollywood.

Logan was thitherfrom going to throw up upon watching that movie.

1
cf. Bigtime Rush : Big Time Horror, a spoof off thriller novelist Stephen King — second part of surname has been added as a spoof off Stephenie Meyer, an author of horror romances
2
fantasy novelet by Frank Baum which I don’t own

Chapter 11  Big Robots

I met the boobs down by their pool.

Logan Mitchell had donned his new sun spectacles. “… with UV-absorbers. The heat received from those interceived rays is used for running the mini-fridge that keeps my smoothie cool.”

I giggled. “Cool!”

Kendall, James, and Kendall just yawned.

Alas, I wondered, “aren’t you in the algebra club at this time?”

Logan shook his head. “Really, I should, but our new captain, Phoebe Nachee1, has decided to boot us boys.”

I cackled. “Why’s that?”

Logan explained, “according to Phoebe, we boys are too dumb for mathemetics.”

“Maybe she’s right,” said I, shrugging without a trace of an emotion.

I walked into the lounge of Brenner Hall. “Hi girls!”

Zoey was a bit annoyed. “Firewire is one three-butted arse. He expelled Quinn form the science club, saying girls are too dumb for science.”

“Interesting,” replied I, mentioning that Logan Mitchell and Dustin have been expelled for similar reasons from the team algebra.

Zoey wanted to hit Firewire where it hurt most. “They build combat robots. We need to build one that is stronger than his. But Logan Reese has just insulted Quinn.”

I chuckled. “Aw, those robot combats…”

I had studied the homepage of the Californian robot war league. Returning to the pools, I had to tell some serious words. “The next opponent is James K. Polk School, La Mesa, San Diego County.”

Logan Mitchell shrugged.

His cousin Shannon was a fan of Firewire.

I told them to watch the ideo on the homepage. “They have defeated the team from Belleview!”

That was the school of Drake and Josh.

I showed them the video. “This robot is the Worminator.”

The boobs laughed. “That miserable thing?”

Then they noticed how the robot built by Simon Nelson Cooke and Albert Wormenheimer incinerated that of Josh Nichols, Craig Ramirez, and Eric Blonowitz within five short second, its rocket launchers and laser cannons notwithstanding.

They trembled with awe.

Firewire’s robots did not even have a laser cannon.

Quinn could build one, but she was now pretty much depressed.

For me, the following was evident:

There was no chance for our school’s team to withstand the Worminator without the collected efforts of both Wayne ‘Firewire’ Gilbert and Quinn Pensky.

Shane Diamond and Logan Mitchell tried hard to talk Wayne Gilbert into giving Quinn a chance. He was forced to do so by Shannon.

Wayne giggled insanely. “Girls and science, that’s like fish and bicycles.”

Logan sighed with despair.

“In addition,” added Firewire, “there’s a mathematical problem I haven’t even solved yet. It has to do with hyperbolic differential equations and shockwaves.”

Logan shrugged. “Phoebe Nachee might know about it, but I’ve got my dignity and won’t ask her…”

Firewire insisted in girls like Phoebe being too dumb. “No way!”

The good renown of our school was in severe danger.

We could not afford getting vaporised by some stupid random school from San Diego county.

It would render us the laughingstock of California.

That was worse than the boobs’ many defeats in their hockey matches.

I had tried to contact Josh Nichols.

But that ugly, big-headed farter had one excuse:

They would have defeated the Worminator if Mindy Crenshaw, the smartest pupil of Belleview, had not been in prison.

That was of course all our fault.

Kendall thought of getting the council of some other algebra freak. “Stephanie King’s cousin Bernice is really good.”

I grinned. “You mean Bernice as in Albert Wormenheimer’s girlfriend Bernice Livinghocker2?”

Kendall coughed and choked, aware of having suggested the neatest form of suicide.

Zoey and I tried to talk Phoebe once more into helping our robot team.

But Phoebe Nachee remained stubborn like an ox. “Boys are too dumb, and they won’t understand my explanations.”

Zoey sighed.

Everything waxs lost.

I couldn’t stand Firewanker, but I needed to get him to accept Phoebe’s help, and to get Phoebe to assist him.

Finally. the kids from La Mesa arrived at our campus.

Simon Nelson Cooke and Albert Wormenheimer arrived with some other kids, including already mentioned Bernice Livinghocker, but also some Lance Widget an d Evelyn Kwong who completed their team.

And there was their masterpiece:

The Worminator! It looked really small and harmless.

How did they hide so much power in such a small case?

The referee was one Mr. Jamisson3 from New York City.

Firewire and his pals, Neill and Andrew, brought their machine into position.

Quinn was watching as well. She had added a few laser zappers to the machine, but this was probably in vain.

Cookie unveiled the Worminator.

Mr. Jamisson blew the initial whistle.

The Worminator approached Firewire’s droid.

A bundle of coherent nuclear rays shot forth from the cannon of the Worminator.

Alas, an invisible forcefield around our droid deflected the beam and sent it astray.

Where did the forcefield come from?

Cooke and Wormenheimer looked aghast.

This had never happened before.

Firewire’s machine squirted some caustic acid upon the Worminator.

The bubbling liquid damaged the droid really fast.

“No,” screamed Simon Nelson Cooke at the top of his lungs upon watching the Worminator dissolve.

Wormenheimer just disappeared silently.

Mr. Jamisson declared Wayne ‘Firewire’ Gilbert the winner.

The kids from La Mesa started weeping.

Ned Bigby and Jenifer Moseby, two fans of Simon Nelson Cooke, were mad at their best friend. “Why did you refrain from adding protection against acid?”

Alas, Simon Nelson Cooke was in a stinky mood.

But how had Firewire resolved the problem?

Or so wondered the pupils who had heard about all those troubles.

It was easy.

I had copied the problem from his blog onto my blog.

Phoebe had read it on there. Unaware of its origin, she answered it and posted the reply ontp her blog.

Dustin copied it right from there onto his blog.

Firewire, in turn, read Dustin’s blog, thereupon implementin the solution.

Phoebe and Wayne were consternated upon hearing those news from Dustin and me.

Phoebe sighed when she faced Wayne. “You must have actually understood what I’ve been writing…”

Firewire moaned, “maybe you’re not all that bad for scientific problems…”

“But what do you know about this?” Phoebe pulled Firewire into a kiss.

Firewire swooned, but he remained cool. No, he tried to remained cool. But he started twitching ans trembling, flunking badly some half-cocked attempt to kiss Phoebe back.

Phoebe chuckled. “Maybe we need to practise a bit?”

“Er… maybe…” Firewire blushed deeply when he walked away with Phoebe.

I shrugged. “Teenagers…”

The boobs didn’t really understand either.

But boys like Dustin and Logan were thitherfrom allowed into the algebra club.

In turn, girls like Quinn were allowed into the science club.

And that was cool!

1
cf. Bigtime Rush : Big Time Break
2
cf. Ned’s Declassified SSG : New Kid
3
cf. True Jackson VP : True’s New Assistant

Chapter 12  Big Roof

Not much later, an epidemic wave of chicken pox struck our campus.

Dustin was one of the first victims. He was now quarantined in the nurse’s station.

Kendall did not allow me to visit Dustin, because I had not yet been exposed to that disease. He was such a meanie!

Zoey smiled when she entered my lounge. “I’ve been at the station, in order to visit Dustin.” She was a really loving and caring elder sister.

That could be annoying at times, tough.

Zoey showed me a picture she had just taken from Dustin.

Dustin did not seem unhappy, his disease notwithstanding.

Zoey grinned. “Yeah, the new nurse is very nice and pretty.”

Fits of jealousy seized me in no time.

I was about turning into a green-eyed monster.

Lola bounded in. “I’ve just been at the boys’ rooftop… and Chase and Michael kicked me out!”

The boys’ dormitory blocks were endowed with a nice roof allowing for many pupils to sit in the sun and relax, even better than down by the pools.

Of course, our dorms had a roof too.

But these were ugly, shady, and dirty.

Zoey gasped. “What?”

Lola explained, “they mention something like boys needing a girl-free zone. And the rooftops are their last retreats. They can be themselves only in the absence of girls. That’s genetically determined.” She coughed with disgust.

I shook my head. “The boobs are among themselves all night long.”

Zoey nodded in agreement. “They might talk dirty stuff or so in our absence…”

I grinned. “Yeah, I would really like to know what the boobs talk behind my back…”

Lola had an idea. “I could dress as a boy and …”

I liked that idea. In order to extend it to the lower grades, I suggested to crossdress also Camille and Amber.

These were three perfect rôles for three perfect actresses.

Zoey tricked Michael into feigning a flu and going to the nurses’ station in order. She trold him about the new ‘hot’ nurse.

Michael swallowed the bait.

This action provided a free spot in their dorm which was going to be filled with transvestite Lola.

As Dustin was already sick, Amber just needed to take his spot.

But I still needed to get one of my four boobs to go to the infirmary.

The trick with the new nurse was not going to work.

They would have all feigned to be sick.

And then were was no boob left to spy on.

But there were other methods.

Night time…

I had snuck into the boobs’ dorm, using the fire ladder. Still unnnoticed, I painted some green spots onto the skin of James Diamond.

In addition, I warmed his forehead with some chemical stuff lying around.

Quinn had told me to use that.

Michael was now quarantined for his fake flu.

The young and ‘hot’ new nurse was only responsible for the younger kids.

The older once were still treated by the ugly dragon.

Fortunately, Michael had not known about that in advance.

At the same time, James had been sent into the nurses’ station for his red stains.

Logan Mitchell had tried in vain to figure James’s disease. But he could not make much sense of the symptoms.

Sitting in the lounge of Brenner Hall, I watched Amber, Camille, and Lola dressing as boys.

Camille was the biggest problem, because she was a bit well-developed for her age.

We bandaged her chest.

Camille explained, “OK, I’m Bob Ganoosh1, a football player. I got badly injured in a football match against Lincoln2, the hardest team of California. But I bear my pains, because I am a man, a manly man. Yeah!” She grinned and boasted proudly with her fake biceps.

Quinn provided the three actresses with a micro webcam built into their clothings.

This way we were able to watch them and listen to them while they were in the boys’ rooms.

We needed papers to show to the boys’ dormitory advisers.

I snuck with three modules into the admibistration.

The dean had been a great golf player when he was a bit younger. 3

I flattered him by comparing him to international golf champion Lion Bushes4. Then I requested an autograph.

Dean Rivers smiled when he signed the three documents.

He had not even tried to read the text.

I grinned upon sneaking away with those permits.

I sat in front of my laptop, right next to Millie.

We started watching Amber and Camille in action.

Dana Cruz was with us. She needed to help Camille pretending to be a football player. Dana was a lot tougher than any other girl on the campus, even tougher than the vast mass of boys.

Logan, Kendall, and Carlos talked about their favourite football team.

Whatever that was…

They had apparently chosen hockey as their sport due to lacking the toughness necessary for football.

One day later, the boobs had still not been able to unveil Camille’s identity.

I grinned upon watching them wake up.

Kendall yawned like a sloth.

I told Camille to tickle a certain spot on him.

Kendall squealed piteously.

Finally, the boobs started talking about girls. Alas, they had nothing smart to say, only some really stupid commonplaces.

Camille was finally bored. She tore her mask off.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were consternated. “Camille!”

The transvestite grinned mercilessly.

“Oh, I have recognised you pretty early,” stammered Kendall.

Carlos protested, “no, I was a lot faster…”

Logan was of yet another opinion.

But they had been totally clueless.

Camille grinned. “Aw good! As you’ve seen, you guys are always the same, regardless of the presence or absence of girls.”

The boobs panted with despair, moaning “Those girls are too smart for us.”

Camille waved at the boys. “See you, cuties!” She was the hell out of there.

The message of Camille’s heroic deeds was spread from the rooftops.

Oops!

Whatever the situation, all the boys had to understand that we girls were now their peers.

Our crossdressing actions were an important milestone.

The boys admitted us thitherfrom to their dormitory’s roof.

Unfortunately they were going to get overcrowded.

For that avail, we were looking for a new custodian willing to clean the girls’ rooftops.

Our favourite canditate was Robert Gordon5 from La Mesa.

But it was still a long way to go.

Dustin and Kendall were finally back from the stations.

Kendall had been tortured for no reason.

Dustin was all relaxed, smiling and whispering, “Maybe I should fall sick soon again.”

I turned again into a green-eyed fury.

Where was that going to lead me?

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Trading Places, a spoofoff Baba Ghenouche, which is a spicy dip
2
cf. Drake & Josh : Football
3
cf. Zoey 101 : Trading Places
4
spoof off Tiger Woods
5
identifies maintenance man Buddha Bob from Bigtime Rush with custodian Gordy from Ned’s Declassified SSG.

Chapter 13  Big Jealousy

I used to turn horribly jealous upon noticing Dustin talked to other girls in order to appear cool.

Dustin was cool, regardless of what the mass of people in his class thought. He did not have to prove it. But now he was begging Logan Reese to teach him in the art of impressing girls.

Logan was a horrible jerk.

Dustin was unable to be like him. Yet he tried hard to be impressive.

This could only go awrie.

I snuck up the boobs’ rooftop.

Kendall grinned. “Hi little one.”

“I’m no longer a baby,” thundered I.

Kendall shrugged.

Logan, Carlos, and James snickered.

Even Shane had made his way up there. He was preparing an experiment involving the conversion of sunlight into electricity. “I want to get Firewire to power his war bots with solar energy, an ecologocal improvement.”

I scratched my head. “And if it rains?”

James grinned. “Zoey may design a fashionable umbrella for the case.”

I laughed at the top of my lungs.

Lola Martinez arrived, accompanied by Camille.

They greeted the boys and me.

Lola had a problem. “In my next movie, I have to kiss an ugly boy. I can’t do that.”

Camilled shrugged. “A good actress needs to be able to kiss anyone. It’s as simple as that…” She grabbed logan Mitchell and kissed him briefly.

Logan seemed to enjoy that, but… “wait, this means I’m ugly?”

Camille coughed.

I suggested Camille to run.

Camille darted downstairs.

Logan tried to catch her, but in vain.

He had become totally lazy, just like thge other boobs.

I giggled.

Little wonder the hockey team had started to suck a lot due to the boys getting accustomed to the pools and the roof.

Lola grinned. “Not ugly enough… I thought of some dweeb like Chase Matthews. His bushy hair makes him a perfect dweeb for acting practise. I just pretend that I need desperately tutoring in biology, and Zoey will force him into tutoring me.”

That was a delicate situation.

Chase was probably still obsessed with Zoey.

At least there hadn’t been anything hinting towards the contrary.

In addition, Chase should have known that Lola really loves Kendall.

I made a better suggestion. “Pretend that you need to learn knitting…”

Lola sighed. “Actually, I would like to knit for my grandma. But I can’t go to the knitting club. All boys in those classes are ugly dweebs, especially mark del Figgalo.”

I giggled. “Exactly that’s the point. Kiss Mark, and you will be ready for kissing just anyone!”

Inspite of knowing that I was right, Lola fainted and tried to look for excuses. “You won’t turn jealous, Kendall, will you?”

Kendall giggled. “Mark del Figgalo wouldn’t even turn an amoeba jealous…”

Granted, Mark was officially Quinn’s boyfriend. But he was too much of a dork to even notice when another girl was about kissing him.

And who cared anyways…

I snuck after Dustin.

Logan Reese had just taught him to treat girls arrogantly.

Quinn was their first test object. She was playing a trombone in a terrible manner. She needed Dustin’s opinion about her performance.

Dustin told Quinn. “it could be better, but it could be worse, either.”

In my ears, this sounded perfectly neutral.

Dustin had not been really arrogant.

But Quinn was terribly upset. She exploded in anger.

Logan praised Dustin.

Then they went to a double date with the Baldwin sisters.

Sandy was in Dustin’s age, whereas Tracy was in Logan’s classes.

Logan expected to treat Sandy like dirt, just as he treated Tracy.

But Dustin could not do that. He started complimenting Sandy for her dress.

Logan had gone over the top.

Tracy was so upset, she sent Logan flying into the fountain.

Dustin and Sandy giggled and applauded.

OK, Dustin was definitely not a jerk, and he would never be anythiong like that.

That made me sigh with relief.

But Sandy looked like going to be his girlfriend.

That was going to turn me into a green-eyed monster, over and over again!

Bitterly disappointed, I walked across the campus.

There was Quinn again. She was apparently still angry about Dustin’s words. But she came to see worse things.

Twenty yards further, Mark tried to teach Lola knitting.

Lola got almost caught in her own wool. But she moved her lips close to Mark, inspite of a an overwhelming urge to vomit.

Quinn looked at the two of them. She intervened, “Lola! How dare, yo… go and dig your own tomb!”

Alas, Quinn’s way to say that was incredibly lame.

Along came Camille. She was ready to show her cousin what a real jealosuy scene looked like. “Lola,” thundered Camille. “you how may you dare to to kiss my Mark!”

Mark del Figgalo had still no clue what was going on.

Lola improvised. “I haven’t even trid to kiss him. I needed to take a look at a piece of wool caught between his teeth.”

Camille almost slapped Lola. “This is not a piece of wool, it is his tongue.”

That was too cool!

Fortunately, I had my portable minicam with me, ready to record the scene.

Quinn shoom her head and forgot about the whole thing.

I was going to sent the short movie to Malcolm Reese.

This did not diminish my sadness.

I lay flat on my bed and started weeping.

Sandy Baldwin stood suddenly in the door. “Hi Katie!”

I looked around with dismay.

Sandy sighed. “Millie has just told me that you and Dustin…”

I gasped. “Millie had what? How could she have known about my feelings for Dustin? Maybe the green-eyed monster had been too obvious.”

Sandy walked up to me. “I leave him to you. You’ve got the older rightes.” She hugged me.

I could hardly believe it.

The same moment, Dustin entered my dorm, pushed by Millie. He looked at me. “Katie, really?”

Blushing totally, I nodded.

Dustin walked slowly up to me. He blushed at well. Then he threw his arms timidly around me.

Millie and Sandy went “aw!”

Malcolm Reese liked the short movie I had submitted.

Both Lola and Camille got chosen for rôles in his next family show named Jerk in the Fountain.

But now I was together with Dustin, and I did not really care about all the fuss.

Chapter 14  Big Fire

For over a year, I had thought the campus to be fairly safe.

But one night, I woke up from panic. Looking out from the window, I noticed smoke and flames coming forth from Sushi Rox, the Japanese pub run by Kazu.

Alas, it was too late.

The restaurant was already beyond any hope.

The next morning, I wanted to hear how it had come about.

It was an unfortunate chain.

Zoey had ordered more tempurah rolls just before deadline.

At the same time, delivery boy Chase was forced into a last delivery. He took on too many packages of sushi at the same time, just in order to impress his room-mates Logan and Michael, and probably also Zoey. Unable to handle the load, he floundered and rolled down the staircase, hurting himself. He was so totally accident-prone, beyond any measure.

And Zoey was often the reason for Chase’s lack of attentivity.

Kazu came to his rescue. But he was totally forced to neglect his stove busy with Zoey’s last orders.

The stove was overheated and burst into flames.

The rest is obvious.

Kazu was now deep in the debts.

Kazu had now already left the school, returning to sweet home Alabama.

I had always suspected him to be a fake Japanese.

Kazu had spoken with a Chinese accent.

Dean Rivers had called me and Kendall into his office.

My mom’s reaction to those news was really rabid.

She was of the opininon that Kendall and I were not safe at a school of fire.

Other mothers were of a similar opinion.

Zoey and her friends could not help us, being already obliged to raise funds for refurnishing Sushi Rox.

The latter task was more than hard.

Officer Garcia, the father of Carlos, was in charge with reasearching the reasons of the accident.

Of course we already knew about the chain reaction.

But there may have been more to it, such as violations of legal fire prevention.

According to Kazu, Coach Keller had been the one to trey to extinguish the flame with a fire extinguisher. He had messed up a lot, preventing the flames from getting controlled long before the arrival of the fire brigades.

Officer Garcia asked, “did the staff and students get trained in fire prevention?”

Dean Rivers went pale.

Those courses were obligatory for all schools and companies.

Dean Rivers was looking forward to some severe fine.

Officer Garcia was enraged.

I calmed him down. “Why don’t you run the next fire prevention training?”

The officer nodded solemnly. “OK, but it will be no fun!”

Dean Rivers agreed. He did not want the board to get informed about his mistakes.

In addition, the fire alert system proved to have been rusty. It was was an old, outdated system, anyways.

I asked Logan Mitchell, “can’t you invent an improved one?”

Logan scratched his head. “OK, with Shane’s, Quinn’s, Firewire’s, and Phoebe’s help, this should be no problem at all.”

I grinned. “Start working on it, now!” I kicked Logan’s butt, sending him off to work.

Carlos’s dad figured that the systems were not only outdated, buut also poorly maintained. “According to the laws for fire prevention, the systems need to be checked at least thrice a week by some approved maintenance man.”

Dean Rivers choked. He made his secretary Beverly call custodian Banville. He was still talking to my mom. “As you see, we are doing a lot to prevent things like that from ever happening again.”

Mom announced a visit in order to check Dean Rivers’s promises. She was going to judge sternly.

There were only a few weeks left until then.

In other words, Kendall’s and mine future life at Pacific Coast Academy depended on the following weeks and mom’s visit.

We did not want to go back to Minnesota.

Custodian Banville arrived.

Officer Garcia interrogated the custodian rigorously, using the third degree.

Banville admitted to having violated most of the rules.

“You’re fired,” thundered Dean Rivers.

I suggested a successor. “Robert Gordon, also known as Bob Buddha… he has just been fired from James K. Polk school in La Mesa, San Diego county.”

Dean Rivers did not understand why he shopuld give someone a chance who had just been fired elsewhere.

“According to valedictorian Simon Nelson Cook, their vice principal is athetically insane,” said I, “he believes to be a Miami cop.”

Dean Rivers coughed. “OK, if he passes Officer Garcia’s security training, he will be ours.”

I smiled.

Only one day left until mom’s visit.

I was in the dean’s office.

But it was the arrival of Robert Gordon, our new potential custodian.

He wanted to be called either Gordy or Buddha Bob. “OK, these are my plans for security training on the campus…”

Dean Rivers read the plans. “Earthquake training… fire training … flood wave training … hurricane training… weasle taraining..” He gasped. “Weasle training?”

Gordy coughed. “Weasles can be such a pain in the tail.”

Dustin had come with me. He shivered. “I’m afraid of weasles, but even more of squirrels.”

I remarked, “Chase Matthews fears raccoons. They do bite, and that hurts. Do you want parents of kids with these phobias to reconsider their decision to let…”

Dean Rivers coughed and moaned, “no way, weasle training is now approved!”

Bob Buddha grinned. “Let’s start tomorrow!”

Logan Mitchell was done with his works on the new fire alerting system right in time.

Mom scrutinised the situation closely.

Bob Buddha and Officer Carlos were ready for the fire training.

Officer carlos blew the whistle.

Everyone was ready.

Dean Riveres flicked his bic at a sensor.

The sprinkling engines reacted immediately.

The sound of the alert went trembling through the ground.

James, Carlos, and Kendall were there with a fire extinguisher.

Officer Garcia took time. “That was already three seconds faster than last time.”

Kendall squirted the foam all over, covering even mom.

She was a bit upset,

Coco Wexler, the chubby dorm adviser of the older girls, licked some foam off mom’s face. “Whipped cream,” squealed she with delight.

I added, “fat-free whipped cream…”

Of course we did not waste real squirting foam for the practice.

Mom sighed, “OK, Kendall and Katie will stay here, but I’m going to controll you regularly.”

We sighed with relief when we hugged mom.

Dean Rivers sighed, as well. He was going to pay for the refurnishing of Sushi Rox,.

In addition, Bob Buddha was employed as our new chief custodian.

Officer Garcia became the new chief of the campus security guards.

And we were looking forward to weasle training.

Chapter 15  Big Pet

Dean Rivers was too lazy to move around in his office.

For that avail, Logan Mitchell had built an automated office robot reacting to the headmaster’s voice.

More precisely, Quinn had done so with Logan’s and Shane’s help.

Alas, there had been some accident.

One of the robot’s functions was the opening and closing of the office door.

Other facilities included a coffee machine and the sound of a pack of barking dogs.

The virtual dogs had worked just fine, scaring away Tipper Rivers, the headmaster’s psychopathic wife.

Upon the headmaster’s command, the thing swang open, hitting secretary Beverly right in her face.

Now she was unconscious, and her nose was broken and bloody.

In other words, Beverly was no longer able to work, at least for a few months.

Dean Rivers had to look for a new secretary.

Alas, that was not the only trouble.

Quinn had got several pets, such as a king snake named Marvin1.

Those were illegal at our boarding school.

But she was able to hide the smaller ones perfectly from her annoying dorm adviser, Coco Wexler.

Even Custodian Buddha Bob, albeit an expert for searching for certain beasts, especially weasles, tried hard to look for illegal pets, but he was unable to catch any of them.

But there was no way to hide her biggest beast — alpaca Otis.

An alpaca is a variant of a llama.

Logan Mitchell tried to explain the difference unto me, Dustin, James, Carlos, and Kendall.

But we were just bored.

The difference didn’t really matter, did it?

Whatever the situation, Otis was forced to stay in uptown Seattle with Quinn’s parents.

But this was not easy.

Both Quinn and Otis suffered severely from the separation.

We needed to do something about that.

Maybe we could talk Dean Rivers into granting some special permit, in return for an extended guarantee for the voice-driven office robot.

The next day. Dean Rivers introduced his new assistant.

His name was Mr. Bitters2.

Sometimes, names are programme.

And this was one of those cases.

I was in a really stinky mood.

With a dean’s assistant like Mr. Bitters, there was even less than a snowflake’s chance in a blast furnace of obtaining a permit for letting Otis visit our campus.

Kendall had been in the drama club’s costume storage.

I wondered what he held in his hands.

It was a costume in the likeness of an ant eater.

Kendall had been looking for a costume emulating an alpaca.

But there wasn’t any.

I asked, “why do you need that bestial costume?”

Kendall and Lola wanted to stuff Quinn’s official boyfriand, i.e. Mark del Figgalo, into the same.

Kendall supposed, “Quinn will get more easily over Otis with her boyfriend dressing as an alpaca, or something similar.”

Logan shook his head. “You can’t fool Quinn like this!”

Kendall sighed with despair.

I sent a message to Megan, still my best friend forever, asking for help.

Her reply was astonishing.

A few months ago, she had ordered a sheep from the interweb.

Its name was Bawb3.

She had forced Drake and Josh to take care of it, especially hiding it from their evil parents.

The boobs failed badly.

Afterwards, Megan had ordered a zebra.

Too bad Drake and Josh were not ready to take care of it.

Thereupon, she had found a horse ranch not far from Los Angeles.

She was able to rent a place for her zebra over there.

Buddha Bob drove Dustin and me to the horse ranch.

The landlord of the ranch had already been waiting for us.

Her name was Faye Dunnaway.4

She was very nice and showed us around the estate.

We saw Megan’s zebra.

Faye showed us to some pony. “It’s a talking pony.”

Dustin smiled. “Cool!”

The pony appeared to like pancakes and songs from Beyoncé.5

Dustin fed some dry bread to the dwarven horse.

Faye explained, “Gustavo Rocque from Rocque Records, the manager of Beyoncé, has rent the stable for that pony.”

The pony was so cute.

Now I wanted to learn riding.

Of course, I had to ask mom for permission first.

But Faye said, “my niece is a good teacher for riding. If your mom gives you a permit, we may start any weekend.”

I sent a video message to Logan Mitchell with pictures from the estate.

He decided, “this place is perfect for Otis!”

I smiled.

Next, we had to inform Quinn’s parents.

Dr. Lang, the veterinary medic in charge with Otis, was impressed by the quality of Faye Dunnaway’s stables and ranch. She recommended to send Otis over there.

Mr. Pensky agreed wholeheartedly.

Mrs. Pensky was so incredibly stupid, she could not tell an alpaca from an ostrich.

What a silly wench!

I shudderd with disgust.

The whole action was planned as a surprise for still depressed Quinn.

Coco Wexler drove her and Camille to the ranch.

Quinn had no clue where they were going to. Alas, upon exiting the car, she gasped aloud. “Otis!” She hugged her alpaca.

I had been waiting there with Dustin, Megan, Kendall, and Drake.

Kendall and Drake started performing Makes Me Happy 6.

Quinn was going to play immediately with her biggest pet.

They read books and played chess.

Each normal alpaca was obviously able to do things like that.

Then I showed Drake and Kendall to the stables. “And this pony has been stabled by Gustavo Rocque from Rocque Records, the manager of Beyoncé.”

Drake and Kendall gasped. “Gustavo Rocque?”

Faye nodded. “He’s coming hereto once per month, along with his secretary Kelly Wainright, in order to look after the talking pony.”

Drake and Kendall were now hell bent to await Gustavo and give him an impressive demonstration of their abilities.

Chase Matthews was going to write some lyrics for a song named Hollywood Girl7.

Michael Barret composed the tune.

Gustavo was thoroughly impressed by Kendall and Drake’s band.

They were granted a probatory contract for six months.

My big brother was now a professional.

And I was riding the talkative pony.

We looked forward to the next year at our fantastic school.

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Girls Will Be Boys
2
identified with same actor’s guest rôle in True Jackson VP : Ryan On Rolls
3
cf. Drake & Josh : Sheep Thrills
4
cf. Zoey 101 : Quinn Misses The Mark
5
cf. True Jackson VP : Keeping Tabs
6
song by Drake Bell which I don’t own
7
song by Drake Bell which I don’t own

Chapter 16  Big Consternation

Our third year at Pacific Coast Academy was hatching free from its egg.

As usual, I had blackmailed the boobs into taking care of my luggage, using the methods I had learnt from my best friend forever.

Our first goal was greeting our friends we had missed throughout the boring summer break in Minnesota.

But… oh shock from hell!

Who was that dark-haired girl by Chase’s side? She didn’t look like a sister or cousin, did she?

James remarked, “wow, she’s so hot! She’s totally wasted on the bushy head.”

After kicking him hard, I walked on, meeting Dustin. “Let’s go to the beach! Zoey and the boobs will care for our belongings.”

Dustin smiled. “OK! Bye sis!”

Zoey gasped and sighed. She was carrying a large plush squid.

I was still flabbergasted.

For two long tears, Chase had been addicted to Zowey. And now he was dating a different girl?

There was something smelling fishy.

We passed rebuilt Sushi Rox.

Oops!

Down by the beach, I told Dustin about the new girl.

He was equally dismayed. “Noone trashes Zoey for such a dumb lass!”

I nodded solemnly.

We decided to circumspect the situation closely.

Nicole was also back.

Her parents had wanted to take her out because of her boy-craziness.

But as Nicole had now concentrated on Carlos, she was allowed to stay.

Lola and Quinn got a third roomie.

her name was Stacey Dillsen.

She talked with a lisp and built sculptures from cotton swabs.

This was totally weird, wasn’t it?

Alas, I kept on sneaking after Chase and Rebecca.

Fortunately I was still very small and able to hide in a silent corner in Chase’s dorm.

Chase had just lost the race for the single bed.

Logan and Michael were still fighting for it.

Rebecca, the dark-haired wench, was with him.

Chase explained, “Lola will now tell Zoey stuff like … Chase is totally in love with you, and stuff. And then Zoey will come here and ask me whether that’s true. In that moment, we have to make out.”

Rebecca nodded solemnly.

I started to understand what was going on.

Chase tried to make Zoey jealous.

In the case of Chase and Zoey, that was so horrible and wrong.

Chase wasn’t the guy for those stupid games. He had never given Zoey a chance. He had always backed out like a coward instead of fessing up.

Zoey didn’t deserve being treated like that, either.

But what to do?

And there was the moment they had been anticipating.

Zoey entered Chase’s dorm in order to ask him about the truth of Lola’s statements concerning Chase and herself.

Rebecca threw her arms around Chase Matthews and started sucking his teeth out of his mouth.

Zoey almost threw up.

I could not bear this any longer. I left my hideout and told Zoey, “it’s a fake!”

Rebecca thundered, “what’s that little beast doing here?”

I grunted, “take that back!”

Zoey was still flabbergasted.

I said, “Chase is using Rebecca in order to make you jealous.”

Rebecca threw some thing into my direction, missing me narrowly.

Zoey protected me. “You’re not ashamed of hitting little girls,” thundered she at Rebecca. Then she stormed out.

Rebecca glared at Chase. “The thing may have gone awry, but you still owe me the bucks.”

Chase gasped, asking, “whhat money? Lola said…”

Rebecca grinned, “I don’t care. Do you think I’m kissing a dweeb with some disgusting shrubbery on his head for naught? It’s two hundred bucks or else…”

Chase coughed and moaned.

Rebecca boomed, “I’ll come back in half a year, and then… woe to you if you can’t render me what is mine.”

Chase went totally pale.

Rebecca left the building. “Have a nice day!”

Zoey was apparently upset.

“I’m sure it was not Chase’s idea,” said I, “he wouldn’t do that on his own.”

Zoey sighed. “So, whom do you think behind it?”

“Lola,” replied I.

Luring Zoey into Chase’s room in order to make him see Chase and Rebecca making out had been Lola’s task.

We walked into Lola’s dorm.

Zoey addressed Lola, accusing her of instigating Chase into hiring Rebecca.

Lola acted innocent, pretending to have never heard of Rebecca before. “I’ve been fighting with Quinn’s bee hive, with Stacey’s cotton swabs. and now that? And now you accuse me in telling Chase to pay my cousin in order to make out with him”

I gasped. “Rebecca is your cousin? Interesting, we hadn’t known that.”

Lola went totally pale. “OK, her name is actually Caterina, curtailed Trina. I could not stand the situation between you and Chase, so I had to do something to speed it up.”

Zoey was still upset. “Where are those bees, anyways?” She looked around.

Lola explained, “they followed Coco. She was carrying an open can of ravioli. Bees seem to like them, too.”

Zoey shrugged.

Lola was a secoind cousin of Carlos.

Thus Carlos and Rebecca were possibly related aor knew each other.

Had Carlos known about the deal?

I had to investigate.

Meeting the boobs on the roof tops, I asked Carelos sternly,“did you know Rebecca before?”

Carlos stammered. But after some extended tickle torture, he finally admitted to everything.

James smiled, “so Trina is still a single?”

Carlos nodded solemnly.

James smiled, “that’s cool!” Off he was.

I shrugged.

Strolling the campus with Dustin, I saw Coco Wexler.

The chubby dorm adviser was still hunted by killer bees.

Fortunately, Robert Gordon aka Buddha Bob was now coming to her rescue. He caught the bees with a weasle net.

Coco swooned over Gordy.

Was there something going on between them?

I chuckled and walked on.

I met the boobs again down by the pool.

Trina was with them, caressing James mercilessly. “finally an incredibly hot boy…” Then she gasped when she saw me.

I grunted, “don’t even dare to blackmail Chase into paying you for that, or else…”

Carlos giggled.

Trina laughed mercilessly. “James is my real payment. He’s worth much more than 200 silly bucks. I just had to do what an actress had to do, and kissing dweebs is part of certain rôles. But kissing James is something completely different…”

They kept on making out.

Chase was still sad because his plan appeared to have failed.

But he received news from Toon Juice, a web site that pulishes cartoons.

He and Michael were offered a contract.

This made him forget about all the troubles caused by his idiotic plan of making Zoey jealous, using Trina Vega,

Chapter 17  Big Football Match

The hockey team of our school was now downright suckish.

The boobs had been turning more and more lazy.

Kendall was now too much occupied with his career as a rock singer.

Gustavo Rocque was very demanding and choleric.

Logan had put more of his efforts into our algebra team.

Phoebe Nachee was in a therapy for passive aggressivity and borderline neuroticity, being left with less time for the algebra team, especially the captain’s rôle.

This made Logan the captain of the whole thing.

He was the first student here to achieve this position already at middle school times.

Carlos invested most of his time in making out with Nicole.

Likewise, James neglected training for the sake of Trina.

Summing it up, Dana Cruz was our only workhorse. She was incredibly strong and tough. She had improved and maintained her agility by means of skateboarding.

But one against six was never any good, not even for Dana.

We even lost against Hollywood School of Performance Art.

This would have made us the laughingstock of our school.

But our softball team was worse.

It was coached by some Carl, an ugly jock.

Carl had been Coco Wexler’s on-and-off boyfriend.

Fortunately, Coco had recently trashed Carl for good.

Her new boyfriemd was now custodian Buddha Bob.

Of course, not all of our teams had been such a catastrophe.

Our football team was pretty good.

Alas, this had its price.

Our quarterback was one Vincent Blake, a brute jock. He had lead the Stingrays into the state playoffs.

His sister Ashley1 was a Holywood diva envied to the death by Lola and Camille. She was totally arrogant, only topped by my roomie Amber.

Even Megan had started being scared by Ashley, inspite of being a big fan of her.

The stingray was the fish adorning our school’s crest.

Alas, I supposed that Vince was a terrible cheater and bully.

It was impossible to study hard and play football at the same time.

But the confirmation came from Shannon, the cousin of Logan Mitchell.

She had heard how Vince had tried to bribe Firewire and Phoebe into writing a test in science for him.

Firewire and Phoebe had rejected the bribe, and they had then be threatened by Vince and his bully pals.

Alas, Coach Keller was clinging tightly to Vince.

I needed to do something about this.

Vince Blake was impossibly admit to attempted bribery.

One rotten fish was likely to spoil the whole catch.

Oops… now I did not want to go to Sushi Rox for dinner.

A snack bar from the vendor machines had to do.

Zoey and Quinn walked past me.

They complained about too many unhealthy snacks being sold on the campus. They planned to do something about that.

Zoey had ordered some fat-free snacks from Boston.

They tasted icky. But their flavour was improved by injecting the juice of some rare sort of cactus.

I shuddered with disgust.

The boobs would never refrain from their unhealthy favourite snacks.

But Logan knew the liquid Quinn wanted to inject into the moon bars, those healthy yet icky snacks from Boston. “It’s highly addictive and makes people go insane over it. This extuinguished the whole civilisation of the town where the cactus was cultivated first.”

Now I had constructed a diabolic plan.

Dustin had grabbed a little bit of the cactus juice.

We snuck into Sushi Rox.

Coach Keller, the irreasonable coach of the football team, was addicted to sushi. He even talked to the dead fish.

I had filled some cactus juice into a syringe and injected it into his sushi roll while he was talking to his dead octopus.

Keller swallowed the bait. He started hallucinating, turning more and more insane.

Kazu was consternated upon watching Coach Keller pillaging the furniture of the pub. He had to call security officer Garcia.

Carlos’s dad and his companions arrived a few minutes later and dragged Coach Keller away from the campus.

Of course the situation was no fun.

We were now left without a coach.

But the finals of the football championate were just around the corner.

We properly needed a new one.

According to Carlos, Lola’s dad was a coach of some sorts.2

That should have done the trick.

Juan Martinez coached Lola’s cousin Shelby3, a gifted mixed martial artist.

Shelby had already won several titles in national teenager contests, inspite of being no more than twelve years old. She was also almoist as beautiful as Lola, inspite of being a jock and a tomboy.

Juan Martinez had no qualms dismissing Vince Blake and the other undisciolined bullies from the football team.

Of course he was no going to be totally unpopular except in the case of winning the state championship against James K. Polk.

This implied the necessity of replacing the unruly jocks.

And there were only three days left.

Admitted, neither James Diamond, nor Kendall Knight, nor Logan Mitchell, let alone Carlos Garcia looked like ideal football jocks.

But they had to do for the finals.

Yet we had one final trump:

Dana Cruz!

Kendall and Logan squealed in agony when Camille, Lola, and Shannon stuffed them into the football suits properly belonging to Vince and his pals.

Dana was already rigged and ready.

Juan instructed the team: “OK… Logan, Juan, Carlos, and James, your task is exactly…. to do nothing.”

The boobs pouted. They had gone through all the pains just in order to do nothing?

Juan explained, “just stay out of Dana’s ways, and render her the leathern egg whenever possible. She will do the rest.”

The boobs nodded timidly.

The cheerleaders, lead by Trisha Kirby, Mandy Franklin4, and Trina Vega, were already standing in position. They had to outdo the cheerleaders of James K. Polk aka ‘the Wolves’, lead by arrogant Missy Meany.

All we needed was music.

I had positioned some taped music performed by Kendall.

In addition, Quinn’s trombone, backed up by a violinist and a cellist, made a hell of a noise.

The band played along Stingray Gladiators5.

We are stingray gladiators.
You all know what we stand for.
We will give you confidence
When you fear to lose xcontrol.
When the wolves are in the ring
We need all the help we can.
And our cheerleader girls dance
To Kendall Knight’s performance.
See celloes and violins,
Golden trombones soar on high,
Standing waves of gleeful hymns
Joyful accords reach the sky.

The captain of the wolves, Billy Loomer, was able to crack all sort of nuts with his unarmoured skull. But he was unable to crack Dana’s self-confidence.

Dana tanked her way through a bunch of boys that had thought of girls as of unable to play football well.

We are stingray gladiators.
You all know what we stand for.
We will help you with your life.
We slam open every door.
We will help you make a break.
Dance the dance that lovers do.
Square dance with the leathern egg
To the Malibu Beach Moon.
See celloes and violins,
Golden trombones soar on high,
Standing waves of gleeful hymns
Joyful accords reach the sky.

Assisted occasionally by my usually uninvolved boobs, Dana scored four touchdowns in a row, humiliating the ‘Wolves’.

This was our school’s first victory in the state finals.

The boobs grinned when they held the cup in their hands.

Accompanied by Quinn’s resounding trombone, Kendall sang, “Sweet, sweet, sweet Victory!”6

I was even proud of them, as they had done well what they had to do.

1
cf. Drake & Josh : Little Diva
2
mentioned in Zoey 101 : Wrestling
3
cf. iCarly : iFight Shelby Marx
4
mentioned in Zoey 101 : Chasing Zoey
5
spoof off Take Me To The Matador, a song by Jeffries and Garlands which I don’t own.
6
a song from one episode of Spongebob Squarepants, a cartoon which I don’t own

Chapter 18  Big Majorette

As of recent, Quinn had started reacting totally strangely, forcing her ‘Boyfriend’ Mark to avoid certain places.

I had to think for quite a bit.

The whole thing had started upon the arrival of a new girl whose name was Sarah Kyla1

Sarah was the daughter of a pasta vendor. She had come to Pacific Coast Academy upon her dad’s switch to a pasta-producing company in Los Angeles.

That wasn’t causing much of a trouble.

Quinn even prohibited Mark from talking to Sarah or to get too close to her. Was she jealous?

Honestly sad, I doubted seriously that any girl would have grabbed Mark voluntarily from Quinn.

OK, you never knew the details…

But, as well-known to me, Logan Mitchell was still swooning over his favourite partner for scientific projects, although he tried to feign being over that.

They had won two Californian science fairs straight, against hardest opponents such as Josh Nichols and Simon Nelson Cooke.

So, Logan was most likely eager on helping Quinn in a situation of mental burden.

But this was impossible without knowing what it was.

I decided to ask Camille.

Quinn’s cousin chuckled. “Oh yeah, Sarah Kyla…”

I grabbed Camille. “Is she blackmailing Quinn?”

Camille shrugged. “Quinn sure fears that…”

I urged Camille to be more precise.

Camille explained, “back in kindergarten, Quinn was a majoretta. You know, those girls in parades swirling around knives and clubs while the music plays. Sarah competed with her in a contest.”

I nodded solemnly. I had seen those things twice on independence parades.

Camille continued, “Quinn must think this to be embarrassing.”

I wondered why.

Camille shrugged. “Maybe it’s deemed to be something totally unworthy of a future scientist?”

I shrugged. “Supposing it to be so, it has still been ten years ago, or so.”

Camille agreed with me. “Eleven years, even. You’re so right. She should be over that.”

I asked Camille, “have you been a majorette, too?”

Camille nodded solemnly. “I have been one until my transfere hereto.”

I gasped. “Well, you sure look like a majorette, totally elegant, and expressive, and…”

Camille felt flattered. “Thank you very much! In any case… it’s better not to tell it around. Quinn will kill me with her laser pistol in case of…”

I sighed. I needed to help Quinn out of that hole.

I entered the boobs’ quarters, followed by Camille. “Logan, wake up,” thundered I at the top of my lungs.

Logan was consternated. “Hey, it’s Saturday morning, 6 a.m.”

Camille grabbed Logan. “Today is day one of your training as a majorette.”

Logan looked consternated. What strange rôle was Camille preparing for?

I giggled.

Camille opened a bag she had been carrying around. “This is your uniform, freshly designed by Zoey Brooks.”

Logan did not understand why he had to redress. He coughed and moaned while being fit into the dress.

Kendall, James, and Carlos started to wake up. They started laughing abouyt Logan.

I glared menacingly at those boobs. “Shut up, or you’re next!”

The boobs trembled.

“Sometrhing important is still missing,” remarked I.

Camille scratched her head.

Logan was totally puzzled.

I needed to kick Kendall in some very sensitive spot for excessive laughter.

Kendall whimpered.

I declared, “we need parade music!”

Dustin walked in, carrying a G.O., one of those little mp3 players. He grinned.

I commanded, “thanks, Dustin… Sousa’s Star And Stripes Forever!”

“Mirror my motions,” commanded Camille.

Logan felt forced to complyt with her strict regime.

Dustin pushed the buttons, singing along.

Let martial note in triumph float
And liberty extend its mighty hand
A flag appears ’mid thunderous cheers,
The banner of the Western land.
The emblem of the brave and true
Its folds protect no tyrant crew;
The red and white and starry blue
Is freedom’s shield and hope.

Logan was already exhausted after three minutes.

But Dustin showed no mercy.

Alas, Logan was totally dazed. He walked around and hit everything in his way before collapsing.

Camille granted him a break of twenty minutes.

Logan panted heavily. He still did not understood what it was for.

Camilled summed it up. “Tomorrow, you will start learning to hurl blazing knives aloft and catch them while doing cartwheels.”

Logan anticipated the following days with terror.

One week later…

I walked into 101 Brenner Hall, followed by Logan.

The boob wore a huge cloak.

Quinn, Zoey, and Lola were looking in a quizzical manner.

Logan still trembled a bit.

I poked him. “Come on, boob!”

All of a sudden, Logan dropped his cloak.

The girls gasped when they saw him wearing a majorette’s uniform.

I remarked, “:Logan loves science. But this does not stop hi from doing this…”

Dustin arrived with his G.O.

Logan grinned when he performed a few gymnastic tasks. He had not been gone as far as announced by Camille.

But it had been a hard way, no matter what.

Hurrah for the flag of the free!
May it wave as our standard forever,
The gem of the land and the sea,
The banner of the right.
Let despots remember the day
When our fathers with mighty endeavor
Proclaimed as they marched to the fray
That by their might and by their right
It waves forever.

The girls applauded fanatically.

Logan explained, “that was painful, I tell you. But it had to be.”

I moaned, “OK, Quinn, dou you understand now? You don’t have to be ashamed for your past as a majorette. Many smart people do such stuff from time to time.”

Quinn sighed. “Aw, I see…” She stood up and hugged Logan. “Let’s do the same again for one last time, but this time together.” She beamed.

Dustin nodded. “OK!” He pushed the buttons even more.

Never ever were they going to be embarrassed again for that.

Sarah Kyla was also a cheerleader and a body guard.

The school was going to need those.

1
identifies Sarah from Zoey 101 : Silver Hammers with Kyla from True Jackson VP : Flirting With Fame

Chapter 19  Big Race

The following weeks wer filled with mayhem.

Kendall had been singing perfectly at Open Mic Night.

The worst numvber was Michael Barret. He had tried to impress some Lisa Perkins with his song, but he was too excited, and he lost his dinner over it.

Gustavo Rocque had been in the audience and hired Lisa Perkins, a wonderful singer, for a record contract.

His vision was now a mixed band with Kendall, Drake Parker, and Lisa Perkins.

Alas, he was still missing a second girl for the band.

But this was only a question of time, time, time, time, until he finds out.

Oops! That was almost Drake’s and Kendall’s next song.1

At the same time, Chase Matthews and Logan Reese had been running a totally stupid bet.

Chase had defeated Logan in a video game, a really stupid race game for that matter.

Now Logan requested a second leg… using real lawnmower-sized cars!

Of course, such a thing was dangerous.

Dean Rivers should have prohibnited that and sent Carlos’s dad in order to intervene. But he didn’t. Dean Rivers was as addicted to dumb video games as Chase and Logan. He had already failed intervening when the boys’ lounge had been about bursting from noise due to Logan’s game plant.

Mr. Bitters gaggled.

I had tried to get Zoey to intervene and talk some reason into Chase.

But it was all pointless.

Not even Zoey was able to calm the boys.

The stakes were the following:

The loser had to dance in a girls’ dress on the campus.

My last hope was Garth Berman, the executive chairman of the school’s board.2

Garth Berman was still very young for that position.

I feared him to lack authority.

But he did not disappoint us. He suggested a compromise:

Instead of a race with those motor carts, there was going to be one with skateboards.

The boys accepted that after some long discussion.

I sighed.

At least, it was some sort of an improvement.

It still possible to run over someone with a skateboard, but less likely.

In addition, skateboards were less likely to catch fire in a collision.

Officer Garcia had been pauinstakingly pedantic when supervising certain securrity rules.

The course was prepared by Buddha Bob, complete with various obstacles such as seasaws, jumping barriers, hoops, and more.

Carlos borrowed Chase his hockey helmet. “Just in case…”

Chase thanked Carlos gleefully upon donning the protective gear.

Logan Reese believed tobe able to do without.

Alas, officer Garcia did not give his permit for such a dangerous action.

Logan Reese protested, “you can’t hide my head from the eyes of hundreds of girls watching out for the perfect boy’s head.”

Mr. Garcia could, and he did.

Michael and Chase laughed about Logan Reese’s new head gear.

Logan grunted nervously.

Nicole snuggled up to Carlos. “I think you are cute with or without helmet.”

Carlos smiled with glee and kissed his girl tenderly.

Several onlookers swooned recklessly.

Logan Reese had bought a very expensive skateboard from some Ryan Shackler3. He laughed mercilessly about Chase’s cheep thing.

Alas, Shane, Quinn, and Logan Mitchell were taking care of Chase’s construct, adding a few things here and there.

The racetrack started in front of Sushi Rox.

The cheerleader girls, including Trina, Sarah, Maria, and Mandy, started their impressive performance.

Stacey Dillson started singing.

PCA ladies sing that song!
Doodah! Doodah!
PCA racetrack’s six miles long,
Doodah! Doodahdah!

Lola Martinez held the starter’s flag in her hands, counting down, “The race starts in in five… four… three … two” She swang the flag.

Coach Juan Martinez was the umpire.

Chase took off on his rolls..

having waited for the one, Logan Reese complained. “Where was the one?”

Lola giggled, “saying the one is uncool!”

Logan started chasing after Chase.

Oops!

Along with Dustin, I applauded for Chase.

James and Camille cheered for Logan.

Stacey continued singing.

Everybody now:
Going to race all night.
Going to race all day.
Zoey bet on Chase Matthews.
Stacey on Logan Reese.

Logan Mitchell was administrating the bets. “You get five bucks for one if Chase wins, one bucks and a dime for one if Logan wins.”

I shrugged.

Chase was still in the lead. But, all of a suddenm he saw Zoey on the sidelines. He lost control over his board, and he ran into a lamp post. He foundered and reeled backward. Then he slumped hard to the ground.

Carlos’s helmet prevented him from taking severe damage.

Zoey was immediately with Chase and helped him up. She sighed deeply.

Chase gave up. “It’s always the same. Something bad happens upon spotting Zoey.”

Zoey nodded sadly and hugged Chase.

I swooned over that scene.

Dustin applauded, yelling “kiss him!”

Logan, of course, took the occasion and continued his course in a victorious manner.

Buddha Bob had taken the time. “12 minutes, 43 seconds!”

Logan grinned.

Dana Cruz showed up. “You haven’t yet won,” declared the reckless tomboy.

Logan grinned. “What are you talking about?”

Dana donned the protective gear abandoned by Chase. “Let me show you… I’m going to beat your time.”

Logan grinned. “No way!”

Coach Juan checked Dana’s gear. “OK!”

Lola counted down and swang the flag.

Dana had been practising skateboarding since the age of eight. She was now almost a professional.

Bob Buddha announced the result. “12 minutes and 3 seconds!”

Logan went pale.

Dana plastered some arrogant grin while walking past Logan.

Juan was asking for other challengers.

A few kids wanted to mess with Dana’s record, but they failed miserably.

Along came Mr. Bitters.

Juan feared the worst. “Sir, this is a legal race, with permit from executive chairman Berman!”

Mr. Bitters nodded. “That’s great” Surprisingly, he had not come in order to stop the contest. He opened a bag.

The sack was filled with skater’s gear.

He donned the equipment.

Lola prepared the start.

Mr. Bitters declared, “attention, Pacific Coast Academy! Here comes … ‘The Turk’!”

I shrugged helplessly.

Dana explained, “aw my goodness! ‘The Turk’ was an international skateboarding champion in the eighties.”

I was consternated.

The race against time was on.

Inspite of his fifty — or so I guessed — years, Mr. Bitters thundered the course like a rocket.

Juan gasped when he looked at the watch, “10 minutes and 46 seconds.”

Mr. Bitters jumped off his board and removed his gear. He obtained standing ovations.

Still, I did nit get it. I had misjudged him completely…

The cheerleaders were, of course, disappointed. But they had to shake hands with Mr. Bitters, aswell.

Shrugging helplessly, I wondered, “how many surprises are still awaiting us?”

1
What Is Time? by Drake Bell, a song I don’t own
2
cf. Zoey 101 : Spring Fling
3
cf. True Jackson VP : Ryan On Rolls

Chapter 20  Big Slam

Juan Martinez was also responsible for our wrestling team.

This year, the state championships were going to take place on our campus.

Vince Blake had been pardoned by Lola’s dad.

Trina and the other cheerleaders were already getting ready for the event. They wondered whether they were going to massage the wrestlers between the combats.

Sarah Kyla wanted badly to massage Vince.

Alas, the opponents were going to be very strong.

One of them was deemed invicible. It was Chuck Javers, the wild bear.

His example to live up to was Jackson Colt1, the biggest jock of the century turn.

Everyone feared Javers.

Dustin told me, “I fear Zoey will have to find Chuck Javers. He might hurt her badly.”

I nodded. “He appears to hurt everyone badly.”

Dustin continued. “on the other hand, Chuck ghurting Zoey just a bit would be cool .” He grinned.

“Why is it like that?” wondered I.

Dustin answered, “Chase would certainly kiss her upon picking her up and carrying her in his arms.”

I chuckled. “oh, he would do so…”

Dustin beamed.

But it was too risky.

I suggested, “there will be another way to achieve that without getting Zoey hurt.”

Dustin hoped so.

Jeremiah Trottman, the annoying star reporter of PCA news, started talking about the event. He introduced the greatest favourites.

Lola jumped on and off in front of the camera. She was eager on getting seen on TV.

But the wrestling team was already excited.

Logan Reese was the first PCA fighter in the ring.

His opponent was a certain Jo, a blonde.

Logan laughed manically. “Sorry, I don’t beat up girls!”

The umpire shrugged and disqualfied Logan Reese on site.

Logan squealed, “so what? It’s impossible. Either I’m a heartless jock beating up girls, or I’m a weakling losing to a girl. I can’t win, either way.”

I chuckled. “What a jerk!”

The next PCA gladiator was Duke Blatzberg.2 He had to fight a certain Jenifer Mosely from James K. Polk.

That school had already troubled us in the war robot league and in the football play-offs.

Blatzberg was even dumber than Logan Reese, so he had forgotten about Logan’s arguments, inspite of sharing them.

The umpire started the fight.

Three seconds later, Jenifer had flung Blatzberg out of the ring.

Vince Blake got flattened by Billy Loomer.

Cheerleader Sarah Kyla weeped piteously upon seeing her crush collapse. But now she could nurse him emotionally. But she was still needed for the remaining PCA wrestlers.

Dana Cruz failed against some Lucie from Dan Diegio Belleview.3.

Scott Ridgemond was the last of the phalanx of the Pacific Coast Academy. But now he recognised whom he was to face:

It was no other but Chuck Javers!

Scott Ridgemont fainted and passed out.

Coach Juan and nurse Krutcher4 tried to reanimate him.

But, for the time being, it was hopeless.

Coach Juan had to play his last trump.

According to the rules, it was allowed to replace an injured wrestler.

Coach Juan called the substitute.

Kendall screamed, “Lola?”

Alas, it was not Lola.

The drama queen was still jumping forth and back in front of the cameras.

Juan introduced the substitute, “my niece Shelkby!”

Almost nobody had known about Shelby being at PCA, as roomie of Camille and Shannon.

Even Carlos had been clueless.

Basically, she had been commonly confused with Lola. Thus she went unnoticed. She shook her bulging muscles. “OK, Chuck, I hope you’ve brought your mom with you…” She grinned mischievously.

The umpire started the fight.

Unlike most othger male wrestlers, Chuck Javers had absolutely no qualms with beating up girls.

In the beginning, Chuck Javers was secure in the knowledge of being able to sweep Shelby off the ring as fast as usual. “You need a timeout in order to write your last will?”

Shelby grinned. “Already done so, long ago. It goes all to the animals’ shelter. Maybe there’s even a free place left for a sloth like you.”

Chuck Javers grunted and snarled ferociously.

Shelby admired Chuck’s teeth. “Wow! You should apply as a tiger.”

The cheerleaders danced to Kendall’s gleeful hymns.

They grabbed and shook each other, but nobody fell.

The battle had already been lasting for an amount of time exceeding the total duration of Chuck’s previous fights.

Both Chuck and Shelby sweated like the cataracts of Niagara.

Finally, Shelby landed a final blow, pushing Chuck off balance and pinning him to the ground.

The umpire declared Shelby’s victory.

Shelby helped Chuck up again. “OK, next time, I want to see more agility and faster reflexes.”

Chcuk panted. He left the ring.

But something told me nothing good…

Shelby was honoured for her victory.

But, at the very same time, Chuck Javers went totally insane. The psychopath grabbed everything reachable and tore it into pieces.

Nobody dared to stop him — neither Shelby nor any other successful wrestler.

Chuck was now in some sort of a hulk mode.

I needed to do something.

Dustin tried to stop me. “He’s dangerous!” He trembled through and through. He would have liked to protecte me, but nobody was able to.

Chuck had slammed Lola cross the hall.

Coach Juan was consternated.

Alas, I approached Chuck calmly.

He bellowed at me like a red dragon.

I sain, “talk after me: She’ll be coming around the mountain…”

Chuck’s eyes turned glassy. He stammered, “she’ll be coming around the mountain…”

I continued, “when she comes. She’ll be…” Step by step, I had made Chuck sing that gospel song.

The audience gasped. Everyone had seen me already as a goner.

But now I had tamed the wild beast.

Kendall did not understand zilch.

Dustin huggled me like crazy. “How did you know to do that?”

I smiled. “I guessed. Megan Parker told me about a psychopath named ‘Crazy Steve’ working at the same cinema as Drake’s step-boob Josh. Whenever that insaner freaks out, Josh has to sing She’ll be coming around the mountain with him. That calms him down.5”

Dustin beamed. “Cool!”

I smiled.

Shelby was now sitting down next to Chuck. “OK, you’ll get your revanche. Promised. But prepare better!”

Chuck glared at Shelby.

Shelby sighed. “I don’t think you’re really a bad guy. I bet you can be really sweet.”

Chuck started weeping.

Shelby kissed Chuck’s temples.

Chuck blushed and swooned.

We left the lovebirds behind and went to our dormitory halls, looking for a way to bring Chase and Zoey finally together.

1
cf. iCarly : iLook Alike
2
identified Blatzberg from Zoey 101 : Wrestling with Duke from iCarly : iHatch Chicks
3
cf. Drake & Josh : Girl Power
4
cf. Zoey 101 : Curse Of The PCA
5
cf. Drake & Josh : Really Big Shrimp

Chapter 21  Big Birthday Party

Chase Bartholomew Matthews’s sixteenth birthday was around the corner.

This cried for a cool party.

Too bad I was still much too young to go to all these parties for teenagers.

But there were always backdoors.

Lola Martinez was in need of a raspberry doodle cake, her favourite snack. She walked up to the vendor machine and inserted a buck.

Alas, nothing came out.

Lola cried for Kendall.

I followed my big brother.

Also, Quinn Pensky came along.

Kendall and Lola tried to punch the dumb machine, but for no avail.

I chuckled.

Quinn remarked that punching wasn’t enough, only kicking would do it.

But she was too feeble.

Same was valid for James, Logan Mitchell, and Carlos.

I giggled mercilessly.

Dustin wanted to stick his arm into the ejection slot and grab the doodle cake.

That was too dangerous. His arm could have been caught in the machine. But I had got a better idea. “Shelby will teach that dumb machine.”

Lola smiled. “Yeah, it’s cool to have an incredibly strong cousin!”

Carlos went away in order to look for Shelby.

Vuice Principal Thatcher passed by and complained. “You’re not going to hiot the machine again. This will mean trouble! You have to file a written complaint to the administration office, allowing you to get refunds after three months of approval, should it be approved at all.”

That was of course unbearable.

Carlos returned with Shelby.

We told him about Thatcher’s threats.

Shelby was upset. “Now you’ve called. So I’m going to do something. I could grab that machin and throw it at Mr. Thatcher, squishing him like a bug.” She was apparently strong enough to carry such a machine.

Unfortunately, the thing was chained and wired.

Buddha Bob walked past. “Maybe the thing needs to be greased.” He attached a label to the machine sayiing, “Out Of Service!”.

I asked, “cool, may you do that now?”

Buddha Bob shook his head. “That’s the job of the nightshift!”

I giggled mercilessly.

It was one of Buddha Bob’s attitudes to delegate most of the work to the nightshift.

Hey, that wasn’t too bad… noone was going to see us working at the machine at night.

Zoey walked past. “Dustin, you’re not going to commit any nonsense, will you?”

Dustin coughed. “Er, no, why would I?” He whistled innocently,

Zoey sighed. “I’m looking for a birthday present for Chase, something unforgettable.”

Dustin smiled.

Zoey announced, “maybe his grandma could come. He missed her a lot.”

I shrugged. “Sounds cool!”

Lola nodded. “But Logan and Michael want to make a swim suit party for Chase.”

I gasped. “Jerks…”

Zoey nodded solemnly. “One day, Logan Reese will be so sorry for everything…”

I grinned.

Night time was the right time.

Quinn had borrowed some tools from Buddha Bob. Unnoticed by anyone, she unwired and unchained the evil machine.

Shelby picked it up. She panted and moaned, but it was possible.

We just had to show her the way.

Soone thereafter, we arrived in some even darker corner, a custodian’s closet.

Shelby shook the machine.

Quinn used even more tools.

Finally, Lola’s raspberry doodle cake was free.

Lola smiled insanely.

Shelby grinned. “OK, you owe me now five bucks for the work.”

Lola went pale. “What? Five bucks? The doodle cake was only worth one buck…” She tried to run away.

Shelby chased after Lola. “Five bucks, or you will end up like those that dare to face me in a martial combat!”

Oops… she chased?

This reminded me of Chase’s upcoming birthday.

Lola screamed with agony uopon being caughed by her strong cousin.

Fortunately, Shelby had only been joking. “It’s a family thing. You don’t have to pay me.”

Lola sighed with relief. “OK, but you may bite my doodle cake.”

Shelby grinned and dug her teeth into be snack. “Yummy!” Thereupon, she returned the machine to its real spot.

Quinn chained and wired it back.

The next morning, Zoey looked aghast. “It’s terrible…”

I wondered what was going on.

Zoey explained, “Chase’s grandma is sick, She can’t come. Now I’m left with nothing…”

I sighed. “Oh, I know a perfect gift for Chase.”

Zoey looked quizzically.

I opened my shoulder bag and took a little box from it. “Render it unto Chase!”

Zoey looked at the box. “There’s a bow on it? As on boxes with wedding rings?”

I giggled. “You’re smart! These are promise rings.”

Zoey was consternated.

I explained, “you know that Chase would cherish such a gift from you more than anything else.”

Zoey fainted and stammered, “do you really think so?”

I nodded. “And you want it, too. Your face was filled with jealousy upon seeing Chase and Trina make out.”

Zoey blushed deeply. “OK…”

There was no excuse left for Zoey.

Zoey wondered, “my grandparents’ wedding rings look almost like that… how did you know? Oh, yeah, Dustin…”

I nodded solemnly.

Logan Mitchell thought about becoming a medic. He had already studied many books about anatomy, diseases, and medications. Hearing about the grandma’s illness, he turned curious. “What medications does she take?”

Zoey had told me.

I mentioned the complicated name.

Logan was consternated. “What?”

I did not understand his dismay.

Logan explained. “I’ve analysed Chase’s DNA a few weeks ago, after his crash against the lamp post. He needed some antibiotics. Chase suffers from a strange allergy against certain medications. Such a condition is most likely inheritbale. In other words, his grandma is in mortal danger.”

I gasped.

We had to tell her immediately.

The highschool kids had agreed on a pyjama party.

I had snuck in.

Quinn wore an illuminated pyjama.

Combining Quinn’s illumination and Zoey’s fashion design was going to prove as a big deal…

Zoey was surprised.

I replied, “Coco allowed mne to stay with you, Nicole, and Dana over night. It only costed me a doodle cake.”

Zoey smiled. “Cool!” Then she sighed deeply when she rendered the box unto Chase.

He opened it slowly.

His eyes bugged out.

“Zoey, really?” Chase’s heart beat like a freshly greased steam engine.

Zoey nodded solemnly.

Chase said nothing. He donned the rings, wrapped his arms slowly around Zoey, and kissed her carefully.

The onlookers froze in awe.

The birthday parted was extended into a promise party.

Logan Mitchell’s assumption got verified.

He had thus saved Chase’s grandma.

Her medic, Dr. Treston1 got arrested for dealing with unapproved medications.

Quinn adored the living hell out of Logan Mitchell. She was developing some new medications on her own and requested Logan’s assistance.

1
cf. iCarly : iFight Shelby Marx

Chapter 22  Big Bacteria

Lola and Kendall were practising for a new audition.

Lola had to squeal like hunted by furies.

Kendall had to roar like a pack of lions.

They were rehearsing for a new show, Witches Of Rodeo Drive1.

James and Carlos had been unable to sleep for several days already.

The same was valid for Stacey Dillsen, Dana Cruz, Nicole Bristow, and Zoey Brooks.

Logan Mitchell and Quinn Pensky were still busy inventing some new medication.

For that avail, they needed to cultivate some rare hybrid bacteria.

Needless to say, their roomies were totally worried.

I went through my textbook for geography.

Millie was with me.

Amber wanted to audition for Witches Of Rodeo Drive, too.

Millie had banned her from our dorm for that avail until her practice was over.

My cellular phone rang like a storm bell.

Millie gasped. “That’s too strong, it’s like Amber’s screams.”

I sighed.

Amber was right.

I picked my phone. “Katie Knight…”

It was Logan Mitchell.

His voice was very excited.

He informed me, quotKendall’s scream has made me started, and I spilled some bubbly liquids. Now we are quarantined. The bacteria could be dangerous.

I gasped. “What? No good… who exactly is quarantined?”

Logan enumerated them, “me, Kendall, James, Carlos, Camille, Shannon, and Shelby!”

I sighed.“OK, I’ll bring you some sushi.”

Logan objected, “no way! Food is banned from here….”

I was consternated.

The boobs were going to each each other.

I had to tell those news to others.

I wanted to go to the lounge of Brenner Hall.

Alas, it was closed down.

Dustin stumbled into me. “Oops! Quinn has spilled some bacteria, and now she’s quarantined, along with Dana, Lola, Zoey, Stacey, and Nicole.”

I gasped. “Bad, bad bacteria.”

Dustin nodded. “Quinn pays me now for observing Mark Del Figgalo and Maria Hughes2.”

I wondered, “what has Maria got to do with Mark?”

Dustin shrugged. “Mark has hugged Maria in the lounge. Now Quinn thinks to have have been trashed by Mark.”

I giggled.“That would be cool…” Logan Mitchell could finally prove that he’s much more suited…

Unfortunately, cheerleader Maria was hardly interested in a dweeb like Mark.

Dustin asked me to follow him around. “I’m afraid on my own… spying sounds so dangerous…”

I nodded. “OK, I’m going to follow Maria, you will follow Mark…”

Trina was worried. “What will James do with Camille while quarantined?” She was stinky because the lounge was down.

I shook my head. “Just because he helped her once trying out for a movie doesn’t mean…”

Trina sighed.

Jeremiah Trottman talked in the campus news about the quarantine.

Millie remarked, “Trottman should be quarantined, over in Siberia or so.”

I nodded solemnly. I had researched about Maria.

Maria Hughes had been at Rocky Road middle school in Pennsylvania before migrating to Pacific Coast Academy. Inspite of subbing occasionally as a cheerleader, her true passion was painting. She loved to make portraits of her fellow pupils.

My conclusion:

Maria was meeting Mark in order to portray him.

Mark’s attempt of keeping it secret from Quinn implied that it was meant as a surprise.

OK, I might have told Quinn on site.

Or maybe not…

I dialled her number.

She picked up the phone. “Quinn Pensky..”

I grinned, “Hi Quinn! Maria is preparing for a date with Mark at Sushi Rox. She’s wearing golden high-healed shoes, and she uses a triple layer of lip gloss.” I had exaggerated concerning the lip gloss.

Quinn gasped. “Lip gloss? She’s seriously trying to kiss my Mark? She may dig her tomb. I tell you, as soon as I’m out of quarantine…”

Apparently, Zoey tried to calm Quinn down, but for very little avail.

Stacey Dillsen needed to talk to me, too. “I’m appointed with Denifer Garrett3 for cinema. He’s tall and blond… but now I can’t come because of Quinn’s stupid bacteria. May you tell him?”

I sighed. “OK…”

Mark and Maria were now going to Sushi Rox.

Dustin was following them.

This allowed me to watch out for Denifer.

And there he was.

At least he was the tallest and blondest hottie on the campus.

I talked to him. “Hi Denifer… you know Stacey Dillsen?”

Denifer sighed. “Yeah, we’re appointed for cinema. Why?”

I explained, “she’s trapped in her dormitory room because of some bacteria.”

Denifer giggled. “Come on, she doesn’t have to invent stupid excuses for not having to date me…”

I gasped. “Hey, that’s no joke. They are really quarantined!”

Denifer did not want to believe me. “Stacey is insane. I should have known it. Which sane teenager girl would talk to cotton swabs?”

I shrugged.

Denifer grinned. “You see? I can’t believe her any more. She’s probably playing with her cotton swabs and looking for an excuse. But I’m Denifer Garrett, the nephiew of Hollywood star Jeff Garrett. I can get any girl I want to. Stacey was just a waste of time.” He walked away, followed by a huge drove of horny girls probably trying to get him into their pants.

I almost threw up.

Stacey was going to break into tears. But she should be happy about getting rid of such a reckless jerk.

And what sort of name was Denifer, anyways?

Something smelled fishy!

Oops… I needed to check back at Sushi Rox.

Finally, the bacteria was judged harmless by the biological hazard troop.

The kids were released from quarantine.

Quinn was up to beating the living daylights out of Maria.

But Camille stopped her again, just as last spring with Lola and Mark.

Quinn came to see that Mark and Maria wer not really dating.

Alas, her confidence in Mark was seriously shaken.

There was a chance for Logan Mitchell in not too far future.

Maria had to take care of fellow artist Stacey.

I pitied the ‘cotton swab faerie’.

There must have been a suitable boyfriend for her out there, somewhere, not too far away…

1
cf. Bigtime Rush : Big Time Break — probably a spoof off Wizards Of Waverly Place, a show which I don’t own, either
2
family name taken from same actress’s rôle in one episode of Hannah Montana, a show I don’t own — here identified with an anonymous cheerleader with rare appearances in Unfabulous
3
surname chosen in accordance with same actor’s rôle in season four of Zoey 101

Chapter 23  Big Deal

Sometimes, we kids needed a bit of music on our way from here to there.

Portable devices were very popular on our large campus.

The most common device of that sort was an mp3 player named ‘G.0.’.

The latest update was even able to download music from pay archives, charging a prepaid card.

Needless to say, many kids wanted to buy a new one which was not too cheap.

Chase Bartholomew Matthews was one of these.

He had begged his grandpa from Baltimore — not the husband of Chase’s grandma mentioned earlier on — for the corresponding amount of money.

And what did he get?

An old radio!

It was new when his grandpa was young.

The old tooter used to listen to it back at school.

Of course, Chase was horribly disappointed.

Maybe he could exchange it for something useful?

Alas, Chase was so disappointed, he sold the radio unto Zoey for a few bucks and an less than yummy taco.

Quinn recognised that the radio was worth several thousands of bucks. She incited Zoey to sell it to a collector of antiquities.

Zoey deemed that mean. She had only paid very litle to her boyfriend. So why charge thousands of bucks for it? “I can’t sell it anymore, anyways!”

Quinn wondered why.

Zoey explained, “I gave it to Buddha Bob in turn for him greasing my scooter’s hind wheel. It squeaked like crazy. I was desperate.”

I sighed. What was Chase going to say upon hearing about the speculated value of grandpa’s radio?

Chase was upset. “Zoey pays me five bucks and an icky taco for something worth 10k bucks?”

Dustin sighed. “She didn’t know how valuable it is. And now it’s gone, anyways.”

“Gone?” Chase startled.

I nodded. “Bob Buddha has got it.”

Chase panted. “listen, my grandpa knows now about the value of the old thing, down to Logan Reese who never keeps his dirty mouth shut. He wants either the radio back, or the money. 10k bucks! They don’t grow on 10k bucjk trees, do they?” Her scratched his bushy head.

I moaned, “dern Logan! But Quinn came up with the high value.”

Chase threatened, “then Quinn will pay for it!”

I sighed. “Let’s try to get it back from Bob Buddha.”

Chase nodded. “OK!”

We walked into the janitor’s closet.

“Where’s the radio,” asked Chase, wasting no time.

Buddha Bob stammered, “oh yeah, it’s now a skunk trap.”

Chase wondered, “a skunk trap?”

The custodian nodded. “there has been a skunk on the campus for over a year.1”

I remembered vaguely.

Zoey joined us in. “Kendall told me where you are…”

Buddha Bob explained the situation. The radio’s music attracted the skunk. The approaching beast triggered a trapdoor, getting caught in a net.

We just had to retrieve the radio from the trap.

Buddha Bob had lead us to the location of the trap.

We had to be silent in order to avoid scaring the skunk away from the trap.

Chase approached the old and valuable thing.

I shrieked. “Hey, you will just trigger the trap…”

Too late!

Chase trembled in a net in suspense from the ceiling. In addition to having been caught, he started throwing up. “And there’s the taco… you can have it back”

Zoey looked aghast.

It was now easy to figure why Chase had to puke.

The radio was covered with an incredible stink.

In aother words, the skunk had been here, performed its business, and then escaped the trap.

Alas, nobody was going to pay thousands of dollars for a stinking radio…

We stormed angrily Quinn’s dorm.

Stacey and Lola were not around.

Lola was gone to cinema with Kendall, watching a movie with Drake Parker.

Stacey was gone buying cotton swabs.

Zoey was angry. “Can’t you invent something to remove the stink?”

Quinn nodded. “Been there, done that!”

We sighed with relief.

Quinn searched in her chemical store. “There it is… it has just pone side effect… it disintegrates polymeric fibres.”

I coughed. “Logan Mitchell told me that many plastic materials consist of polymeric fibres, whatever that is.”

Quinn sighed. “Too true… I may have to invent something new.”

Zoey asked, “and this will take you how long?”

Quinn moaned, “maybe two or three…”

Zoey stammered, “two or three what? Days? Weeks?”

Quinn nodded, “or maybe four or five…”

Chase squealed, “Months? Years? Grandpa wants it back by the end of the week!”

Quinn sighed. “Hey, I’m just a genius, not a soothsayer, how would I know?”

We were now left with a serious problem.

Chase was impatient. He took something from Quinn’s table. “OK, give me the bucks or the radio, sane and smeel-free, or you won’t get this back!”

Zoey coughed. “Quinn’s collection of toe-nails?”

Chase startled. “Eeew! Yuck! Worse than skunk stink…”

Quinn pouted viciously.

Alas, I remembered that Quinn had got a sixth toe on her right foot.

These were very rare.

And, as we’ve learnt, rare things sell sometimes at a stunningly high price.

The same day I had started auctioning Quinn’s starnge collection on the interweb.

Ten minutes later…

Dustin squealed with excitement, “a reply!”

I opened the attached video.

A boy of thirteen years started talking, “hello, my name is Sinjin van Cleef2. I make works of arts form strange things. I would love to make a sculpture of those toe nails. I’ve got the bucks from selling a sculpture made of pertified dog piles.”

I choked with disgust.

Dustin smiled. “OK, that’s it… after having sold some other trash, we will be able to pay Chase’s grandpa…”

I high-fived with my sweetie.

I had guided Sinjin to Quinn’s dormitory room. “Wow, I like that school. Maybe I can talk dad into sending me hereto?”

“I don’t hope so,” whispered I into Dustin’s ear, making him nod solemnly.

Then Quinn rendered her collection unto Sinjin, in turn for the collection.

Sinjin noticed one ofd Stacey’s cotton swab sculptures. “Are you the artists?”

I shook my head. “Stacey Dillsen is… oh, there she comes..”

Stacey walked in.

Sinjin greeted the cotton swab freak. “Hi Stacey, you make wonderful sculptures!”

Stacey replied, “you think so?”

Sinjin nodded solemnly. “I make sculptures of even stranger things.”

Stacey beamed brightly. “Do you want us to talk about modern art while having some fried sausage with mustard?”

Sinjin nodded solemnly. “Sure!” He smiled with glee.

Stacey and Sinjin walked off, heart to heart, hand in hand.

Maybe it was not a bad idea to get Sinjin to join the school.

He would be happy with Stacey and vice versa.

They would thus refrain from bothering us too much.

Summer break was around the corner.

The next year was probably not unlikely to make us face some other new students …

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Bad Girl
2
various cameos in Victorious

Chapter 24  Big Customer

The new year was just a week old.

But the long queues in front of the coffee cart reached across half of the campus.

Most of us pupils hated having to wait for our coffee.

There was one exception:

Each week, Calvin chose a customer of the week.

Selected lucky student was endowed to order gratis coffee during the whole week and without having to wait in the endless queue.

Nobody knew what to do in order to be the chosen customer. But almost everbody tried…

This week’s customer was one Darla Roberts.

But who was going to be the next?

The boobs had gathered on their roof, with the exception of Logan Mitchell.

I’ve started calling them ‘sun collectors’.

They were talking about ways to impressing Calvin, the coffee vendor.

Alas, Kendall had still got another problem. “I want to try out for a play…”

I shrugged. “Try out as much as you want, but don’t try to bellow again like a dragon…”

Kendall shook his head. “I have to say the word baguette over and over… but I hate baguettes!”

I laughed. “OK, then try out for another play.”

Kendall shook his head. “Lola tries out for the same play. And I want to be with her.”

I shrugged. “Understandable…”

Kendall explained, “Lola has to practise talking with a strong French accent. That blows!”

I giggled. I tried talking through my nose.

That was funny.

Dustin chuckled mercilessly and kissed me on the cheeks. “Sweet!”

I beamed and blushed.

Dustin moaned, “alas, things are bad for Zoey…”

I wondered why.

Dustin explained, “she wants to participate next week in the dance contest.”

Kendall grinned. “Cool!”

Unfortunately, Chase had not yet learned dancing.

Dustin moaned, “I don’t want her to dance with anyone but Chase…”

I understood that. “We need to find a teacher for Chase, a dancing teacher…”

Dustin sighed. “Zoey would be jealous.”

I scratched my chin. “But it’s for her sake!”

Dustin nodded. “But it better be a surprise… oh, Carly’s show demonstrated some cool dances.1”

iCarly was a webshow hosted by Megan’s cousin Carly Shay and by Trisha’s cosuin Samantha Puckett. It was our favourite thing to watch, infinitely much better than pay TV.

I smiled. “Aw… she will love that!”

Dustin nodded with glee.

Alas, I still remember Mark’s stupid attempts of hiring Maria Hughes in order to make that portrait.

There had been some ugly side effects.

Logan Mitchell returned to us, followed by Shane.

They sweated all over.

Logan moaned, “We have just invented a new coffee machine…”

It did not take us much to guess the reason for the efforts.

Kendall guessed, “customer of the week?”

Logan sighed.

Shane nodded. “There must be something to impress him…”

Dustin nodded. “Logan Reese has bought a whole van’s load of coffee and distributed it gratis among the pupils.”

“What a jerk,” commented Logan Mitchell while getting close to throwing up.

I grinned. “Kendall, I’ve got an idea making you customer of the week. But I need Camille’s help.”

Kendall shrugged. But he accepted without understanding.

Camille and Kendall approached the coffee cart.

I grinned and took cover behind some shrubbery.

Camille thundered at Calvin, “you dirty rascal! Your coffee has spoiled my best dress!”

Calvin went pale. “Oops, that must have been an incident.”

“Tell that unto your grandma,” replied Camille, “but I’m going to get your van closed…”

Kendall stepped up to Camille, “sorry, is there a problem?”

Camille bellowed, “that charlatan is due for revenge, some coffe sold at his cart has ruined my gown, my life, everything…”

Calvin shivered and trembled like aspen trees in a hurricane.

Kendall shook his head. “Are you sure the coffee is from this cart?”

Camille nodded. “Look at these cups!”

Kendall circumspected the cardboard things. “Hey, they’ve got a hole…”

Calvin squealed, “It’s for the straw!”

Kendall nodded. “OK, lady, I think you should hold your coffee correctly. The whole with the straw has to be on top, not on the bottom.”

Camille was flabbergasted. “Oops! Sorry! Is hould be more careful!” She sighed and walked away.

Kendall nodded. “That’s OK, be more careful next time!”

Calvin thanked Kendall.

“In case anyone is asking… my name is Kendall Knight!” Kendall waved and disappeared, secure in the knowledge of being the next customer of the week.

I accompanied Camille to Zoey’s dorm.

Zoey was alone, busily designing clothes for the dance contest.

Camille greeted Zoey, “hi, I need your help!”

Zoey shrugged. “What’s up?”

Camille expleined, “I have to audition for a show by Malcolm reese, named Dance With A Dork”

Zoey glared quizzically.

Camille explained, “I need a dweeb to practise with, and I think your Chase is most suited.”

Zoey giggled. “aw, sure, that’s certainly OK.”

Obviously, there was no such show, but it did the trick…

It was time for reveiling the next customer of the week.

Calvin stood in front of his cart. “And the customer of the week is…”
The picture of the nexy customer was still hidden.

Calvin removed the cover. “Quinn Pensky!”

May pupils were disappointed.

Quinn was flabergasted. She had not done anything.

Calvin explained, “the customer has to be a cute girl, so we can make out, letting the other customers wait in the queue…”

Quinn was upset.

Nevel Papperman, one of Dustin’s new roomies, showed up. He happened to be Quinn’s little half-brother. “You should not have said that, Calvin Hobbes2! Now you are going to rue the day. You will rue it,” thundered he at the top of his lungs, “until the time of dystopia will you rue it. You won’t recede from your limbs in peace, but in despair and agony!”

Quinn had a hard time calming Nevel down.

Camille had to help her.

Dustin was proud of his roomie.

Calvin tried to ignore the curse.

Zoey was surprise upon realising that Chase had actually learned dancing from Camille.

But now they were dancing for their lives.

The dance they had chosen was from our mentioned favourite web show.

Zoey shed many tears of joy and passion wile rolling her head gleefully on Chase’s shoulders.

The judges had no choice but awarding Chase and Zoey, in front of the eyes of Zoey’s grandparents.

The old people wanted to rush Zoey’s and Chase’s wedding plans.

A few days later, Calvin’s cart broke down into smithereens without a trace of a discernable reason.

Nevel was scary, but cool.

Kendall and Lola got their rôles in the strange play.

Alas, Camille was invited to a new show by Malcolm Reese, named Dancing With A Dork.

Her partner was Sinjin Van Cleef.

She was mightily upset.

But who cared?

1
cf. iCarly
/ : iDance
2
choice of surname is in spired by Calvin and Hobbes, a cartoon not owned by me

Chapter 25  Big Talents

A regular event organised by our school was our middle school talent show.

I was still at elementary school.

The boobs had entered high school.

But I knew many middle school kids, especially Dustin Brooks. I would have loved to assist him at the talent show.

But he wasn’t yet syure what to do. “I could saw virgins into half, like Henry Doheny1.”

I giggled. “Whom do you want to saw into half?”

Dustin shrugged. “I had planned on my roomie, Scooter2, but he is too much of a chicken.”

I giggled mercilessly.

Scooter, aka Robbie Carmichael, was Drake’s and Megan’s neighbourhood kid. He owned a treehouse and was often enough very annoying.

But Dustin got along well with him,

Ohm Henry Doheny was one illusionist…

His career had been believed all gone not too long ago.

But then he rose from the dead in San Diego… literally?

I didn’t understand it well.

He had been locked into a box, and Drake and Josh had stabbed through him with heavy swords.

A medic had declared him dead.

Three days later, he escaped from his own coffin, mocking the unbelievers.

Strangely, Megan had been the witness of the miraculous trick.

Hell, I even came to believe in the trick being Megan’s idea! Yeah, I did have to ask her.

Megan had not disappointed me. She had really She handed me a list of things for Dustin to do in order to spice up his little trick. Finally, she did not want him to end up like Josh, a little and embarrassing wannabe illusionist.

I smiled.

Megan was one friend to rely on.

I had no difficulties convincing Dustin into modifying the trick.

We were utterly looking forward to making our elder siblings squeal and tremble like aspen leaves in a hurricane.

Alas, Zoey had to disappoint us early on.

Her favourite novelist, one J.T. Hawthorne, was almost coming to down, a ride of half an hour maybe.

She could not miss out on the occasion.

Dustin sobbed.

I had to comfort him.

Zoey was really rude. She should have known how much her little brother needed her.

At least Kendall was still left.

I had been looking for him.

According to James, Kendall was in Lola’s dorm.

James was a bit upset due to having been interrupted in the middle of a passionate makeout session with his Rebecca aka Trina Vega.

I better left on site.

Dustin and I, we entered 101 Brenner.

Zoey darted out on us. “Sorry, I’ve got to hurry. Mr. Bitters is going to take me to the town library.”

We sighed deeply.

Lola was practising some gymnastic exercises.

Kendall ‘helped’ her.

I asked, “OK, Kenndall, my talent show will start in an hour.”

Dustin nodded.

Lola remarked, “he can’t.”

I looked consternated. “Kendall! You don’t want to meet your half-sisters?”

Kendall gasped, “Mom is pregnant? I did not know that!”

Dustin giggled noisily.

I shook my head. “Aw boob, Dustin is going to saw me into half!”

Kendall did not get the joke. He just didn’t care about anything but Lola’s kinky gymnastics.

Lola explained, “we can’t come and watch you because we need to babysit the toddler of Mr. Bender.”

Mr. Bender was one of the most popular teachers at Pacific Coast Academy. He was in charge with supervising the first half of the talent show.

Alas, the toddler was chewing on Zoey’s shoes.

I doubted Lola ro be a very caring babysitter.

They were rather planning on the details of making their own babies, instead.

I was disgusted and grabbed Dustin in order to walk away.

I was now going to try to get the other boobs to watch us.

We spotted Logan Mitchell in the lounge.

He was sitting next to Quinn.

I asked Logan to watch our trick.

Quinn protested, “no way! Logan helps me to repair my computer. Mark has ruined it by pouring some oyster sauce all over it. Now I’ve finally trashed that dork.”

Logan nodded. “It runs Quinndoze QP, the best software ever!”

Quinn expressed to prefer a guy that helped her with her scientific activities over one who flunked everything. She pulled Logan Mitchell into a cute cheek kiss.

I sighed and walked on, followed by Dustin.

Carlos was busy with Nicole.

And I already knew about James and his ‘interesting’ activities circling around Trina Vega.

Even Stacey and Sinjin were nicer to us than the boobs and Zoey’s pals. They were busy making a cotton swab model of the pyramids of Cheops, but they promised to watch our performance.

We were left with no option other than performing our trick in front of an audience devoid of our elder siblings and their pals.

Sad but true…

The trick went well.

We had spilled a gallon of red-coloured water in order to spread terror among the audience.

My heart had even stood still for five minutes.

But I reanimated myself without any difficulty.

Stacey and Sinjin had passed out.

Nevel applauded. “I start to like that Megan. What’s her number?”

Scooter grinned and handed Nevel a few digits, making him beam proudly.

The first prize was ours.

I had borrowed some make-up for the show from Lola, and I was about going to return the kit. But I gasped.

Kendall and Lola were still making out.

The whole room was but one mess.

Zoey was not going to like it…

Even worse, the toddler was now playing with Quinn’s experiments.

Dustin and I prevented the kid from swallowing something that looked like those bacteria from last year…

That was so close!

Dustin and I, we kicked Lola and Kendall, forcing them to help us cleaning up the room before Zoey’s return.

We were done right in time.

Zoey’s eyes bugged out upon spotting our award.

This way, we were able to prevent Zoey from noticing all the disorder caused by the toddler.

It was a hell of close.

Also, we ssubmitted a video of our performance to our favourite web show, i.e. iCarly.

1
cf. Drake & Josh : Great Doheny — probably a spoof off Harry Houdini — also mentioned in Zoey 101 : Logan Gets Cut Off
2
here identified with Robert Carmichael from Drake & Josh : Treehouse

Chapter 26  Big Ghost

Two years ago, we had been fooled Logan Reese in his so-called ‘haunted house’.

Stephanie King-Myers was great.

But there were things even beyond her capacity to produce…

One of them was the following…

Zoey and Chase had got a very mean teacher in economics.

His name was Mr. Hodgens.

The old tooter had already been a teacher like fifty years ago.

In his first year at the Pacific Ghost Academy, he had scared a pupil named Charles Galloway away, making him flee into the barren wastelands between Malibu Beach and the Sierra Nevada.

Rumours report him to have died over at Redstone Gulch.

Nobody had been with him in the harsh and barren wastelands.

So how was it possible for such a rumour to exist?

Even worse, Logan Reese and Michael Barret were hell-bent for seeking out the tomb of deceased Galloway.

Logan Reese wanted to become famous for producing a better horror movie than Stephanie’s.

Quinn and Logan Mitchell wanted to examine the story in a scientific manner.

Lola and Kendall wanted to be the main actors in such a movie.

Same was valid for Trina and James. It was their last chance to make it into the business, their inferior gift notwithstanding.

Carlos and Nicole followed thereafter, all inspite of Nicole’s fear of deserts and wastelands.

I hoped Chase and Zoey to stay on the campus with us younger kids.

But they turned our hopes down, inspite of deeming the trip a waste of time.

Dustin and I, we were once again thoroughly disappointed by our elder siblings.

They did not allow us to come with them.

Couldn’t all elder siblings be like Tracy Baldwin?

The latter never let her Sandy down.

Camille was flirting recklessly with Lafe, a Shakespeare lover and self-declared guide to Redstone Gulch.

Alas, Firewire seemed to know something…

Firewire was a lot into doom and gloom cartoons. He had founded a club for lovers of those stories.

Nevel had tried to avoid us. Being disappointed by Quinn, he dug himselfd into his dorm.

But Dustin persuaded Nevel into joining us into the lounge.

Nevel complained, “Quinn wanted to explain me Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity. But now she prefers walkking into her own doom.”

I wondered, “what doom?”

Dustin shivered.

Firewire cackled. “The whole Pacific Coast Academy is doomed. When you hear signs of confusion, run to the barren braes of Redstone Gulch!”

I did not quite understand it.

Firewire explained, “Well, Charles Galloway knew that curse. He fled to Redstone Gulch, following the prophets of old. This disturbing him in his last rest are doomed!”

Dustin was consternated.

Nevel seemed to have known about the curse. “They will all rue it… unless…” Nevel was really scary, and totally enigmatic at the same time. He was totally nice as long as Quinn was by his side. He respected and cared about his half-sister more than any of us did for our respective elder siblings.

Firewire continued, “Consuela’s evil revenge will be upon us. It won’t strike today, maybe not even this year, but poemtitledies irae, dies illa, those special days of wrath, are just around the corner. Nobody will escape that destiny.”

Dustin and I, we shivered with excessive agony.

Hours went past…

Suddenly, some dark green clous appeared to the east.

Green clouds?

I had never seen any.

Firewire cackled. “Those fools have been triggering our doom faster than a greased flash of lightening…”

This did not sound good.

The green mist appeared to form a cyclon, like a typhoon or a tornado.

But there were no green cyclons, were there?

Firewire tried his best to calm himself and others down. But he was absolutely unsuccessful.

Stacey and Sinjin took cover in the catacombs ’neath the campus.

The green whirl approached oout campus at a tremendous speed.

Finally, Dustin spotted a few people in the distance, discerning his sister among them.

Stacey had lent us her telescope.

I used the device i order to conferm their identity.

Fortunately, they were still all joined together.

Nevel told me, “they must have taken something from his tomb or otherwise insulted it. Something that had meant a lot to Charles Galloway…”

I understood that the wrath of the ghost must have been stunningly enormous.

Dustin trembled with agony.

I tried to help him as much as possible. But I was not really suiccessful.

Dustin appeared to fear more for his sister than for himself.

Indeed, Zoey appeared lagging.

Well, the gang might have fled in panic.

Finally, the explorers reached the ‘safety’ of our campus. Alas, rather than reaching being safe, they had just dragged the misfortune onto the campus.

Firewire was up and away.

Nevel faced the green cloud.

I shivered. Was he that foolhardy?

Dustin huggled Zoey to death.

She needed medical care. “Dustin, I have to go to the nurse’s station.”

Dustin sighed sadly.

Chase reported, “and all of a sudden, there was that green mist… we ran for our lives, but there was a tree trunk or something…”

Ouch!

Chase carried his fiancé to the nurse’s station.

Panic spread like wildfire among the students on the campus.

Several things got destroyed.

Quinn and Logan Mitchell tried to analyse the situation by means of scientific scrutiny.

But they were not really secure in the knowledge of what they were trying to explain.

Nevel followed his seventh sense. He stopped at Zoey’s backpack. “Open it! There’s something wrong inside.”

Dustin obeyed Nevel’s command.

A medaillon appeared.

Kendall explained, “Logan Reese has stolen it from the tomb…”

The spoilt bastard replied, “hey, I need it as a proof for the story about Charles Galloway. This will make me… erm… us rich!”

I shook my head. What a decadent jerk!

Nevel grabbed the medaillon and spoke a few medieval Latin words.

Ubi sunt qui ante nos
In hoc mundo fuere?
Venies ad tumulos
Si eos vis videre
Cineres et vermes sunt
Carnes computruere1

Then he took his recorder and played a dark, creepy tune.

We onlookers did not understand zilch.

Suddenly, the green mist disappeared.

We sighed with relief.

Many of us were now deadly mad at Logan.

Nevel admonished us, “Megan has taught me this procedure. But don’t think the spook to be put to rest forever! It may come back any time!”

My heart beat faster.

The next morning, Mr. Hodgens fled from the campus in extreme terror. According to rumours, he had been haunted in his sleep by the ghost of Charles Galloway.

But who cared.

The meanest teacher of all was gone for good.

And that was a good thing.

1
a medieval penitential hymn — Where are those who had been in this word before us? Come to the tombs in order to see them! They are ashes and worms, the flesh rotten.

Chapter 27  Big Siblings

During the past months we had been feeling more and more neglected by our elder siblings.

This was valid for myself as it was valid for Dustin and Nevel.

We needed to do something about that.

Being a little sister of some boob, Megan Parker should have been able to inspire us. She told us how she had gotten the boobs to care more about her by feigning to date a really bad boy named Corey.1

That was so awesome.

Too bad, Dustin had already dated Trisha Kirby, a totally bad girl.

It was one of the milestones that got me turning into a jealous monster.

OK, we were now way over that.

But watching scary movies was always going to work…

Logan Reese’s dad was preparing a movie in Japan.

Dustin worked on and off as an errand boy for Logan. Today, he fetched a parcel sent from Japan.

It contained a Japanese movie that was illegal in the United States, and a Japanese J-phone, a cellular phone able to download mpegs over night.

The movie was named Shinyusha.

It was a horror movie of the worst sort.

I grinned. Did Dustin and Nevel think the same thing as me?

Of course, our elder siblings had not allowed us to view horror videos with Logan Reese and Michael Barret.

But we had snuck in anyways.

Chase had remorses, but he was overvoiced by Logan and Michael.

The movie was on…

In the end, frenzied ninjas used chopsticks like daggers in order to dispose with anyone in their way.

That’s why they were called chopsticks.

Even the big boys trembled.

But being with Dustin and Nevel, I was less afraid of crazed ninjas.

After the movie, we snuck away.

Dustin went to the dorm of Zoey, Nicole, and Dana.

Nevel snuck into the dorm of Quinn, Lola, and Stacey.

Of course, I made it into the boobs’s room.

The boobs had been playing a hockey video game in the lounge.

That was what their hovkey team had now degenerated into…

I was hiding underneath Logan Mitchell’s blanket. I squealed with terror when the boob removed his linen sheet.

Logan screamed with equal terror.

I stammered, “the frenzied ninjas… They are coming… I need to stay here with you. Millie and Amber can’t protect me.” I snuggled closer to my brother, rattling incessantly with my teeth.

Kendall choked. Millie was deemed devoid of fears. And Katie was not reassured by even Millie’s presence? This meant a lot.

Alas, Logan, James, and Carlos were of a different opinion. “Katie may impossibly stay with us.”

Kendall glared at his pals with dismay. “You want to throw out a little, sweet, helpless, and intimidated girl? I think seriously about looking for better friends, friends with a heart…”

Logan, James, and Carlos went totally pale. Hockey video games were less fun without Kendall.

I felt a lotr better when passing the night in a room with Kendall.

The sleepover agreement had only been valid for one night.

Kendall was now ready to complain the living daylights out of Logan Reese. For that avail, he met with Zoey and Quinn.

Both of these older girls had swallowed the bait complete with hook, line, and sinker, just as Kendall.

I high-fived with Dustin and Nevel.

Zoey, Nicole, Dana, Quinn, Lola, Stacey, James, Kendall, Logan Mitchell, and Carlos were now wallowing all over the camopus in search of the big boys that had allowed us to watch Shinyusha.

Logan Reese and his pals were now totally in trouble!

Alas, the boys from 148 Maxwell Hall had had another problem.

Their dormitory building had been subject to a fire alert.

Yet there was no fire.

Dean Rivers was now threatening them with detention for a whole weekend.

Logan Mitchell had got an idea about what had been going on. He used unpacked some scanning device and entered Maxwell Hall.

Dustin and I wanted to go even further and threaten our siblings with infornming our mothers.

Nevel could not do that, as he was just an unrecognised half-sibling of Quinn. But he encouraged us to do so.

This was going to convince at least Zoey and Kendall to let us spend more nights in their respective dorm.

I was staying in the boobs’ dorm.

James, Kendall, and Carlos were already playing PCAopoly with me.

Logan Mitchell returned now.

I grinned.

Logan declared, “OK, the J-phone had triggered the fire-alert when downloading an mpeg.”

We looked flabbergasted,

Logan continued, “that’s why it’s illegal over here… I’ve fixed that bug. Now Reese may download safely more movies over night. But I’ve forced him to download only PG movies, or else…”

We understood what was going on.

Alas, I didn’t mind watching good PG movies with Kendall.

Too bad, Logan had some other news. “Quinn and I, we have developed a device measuring fears. We will now check whether Katie, Dustin, and Nevel are really still intimidated. They better are, for nobody wants to be a friend of ruthless liars.”

I went pale.

Quinn, Zoey, and Kendall have gathered us little siblings in the lounge of Brenner Hall.

Quinn declared, “OK, you are nowhere near afraid. You have lied unto us, probably all the trime.”

Zoey nodded, “You know that wthere will be consequences. Why?”

Dustin sobbed and burst into tears. |quotZoey, I’ve just missed you so much!

Zoey went pale.

I nodded. “Kendall, you’ve almost always ignored me during the last weeks.”

Kendall fainted and started stomping on his own feet.

Nevel declared, “Quinn, you wanted to read me another chapter from Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity. But you’ve never done so, in six long weeks!”

Quinn lowered her head, deeply ashamed.

Our elder siblings had to discuss that briefly.

Kendall grabbed me and carrried me in his arms. “OK, Katie, we’re now going to watch PayTV together, but nothing scary!”

I smiled.

Quinn was leading Nevel away. “I’m just going to fetch my book from Einstein. Then we’ll read it together.”

Zoey was going to lead Dustin to his dorm, too.

We agreed on two or three evenings per week with our respective elder siblings. We really needed that, regardless of our increasing age and maturity.

1
cf. Drake & Josh : Megan’s First Kiss

Chapter 28  Big Beauty

Logan Reese was organising a beauty pageant. Being such a bad jerk, he was going to be the only judge.

I hated that situation as it was going to spread mutual hostility among the girls.

The first prize was a picture on the title page of famous teenager journalThe Buzz.

Kendall and his pals were sitting on the roof top,

Fortunately, the boobs were all happily in love. They probably did not want their girlfriends to flirt with Logan in order to make it to the tutlepage of The Buzz, did they?

I palmed Kebndall’s back with sun blocker.

Lola stormed our roof. “Hey, Shelby challenges me in the beauty contest!”

I told Kendall, “do something about that! Logan Reese will shamelessly abuse his position.”

Kendall shrugged, “I know that Lola won’t cheat on me, so it’s OK! Let everyone know : My girlfriend is the hottest!”

Lola beamed proudly. “My cousin will regret her attitude!”

Alas, James was not content with Kendall’s statement. “Don’t lie! You know very well that Trina is much hotter than Lola!”

“She ain’t,” thundered Kendall.

“She is,” countered James, trying to wrestle him to the ground.

“Stop it!” I was despereat. I asked Carlos, “hey, can’t you do something about it?”

Carlos nodded solemnly. “OK, listen, Kendall, James! Both of you are so wrong. It’s impossinble for a girl to be more beautiful than my Nicole.” He jumped into the mayhem.

My head hurt.

Fortunately, Logan Mitchell and Quinn were not interested in bodily beauty, but rather in braininess.

I had to get the hell away from there.

The day of the pageant was there.

Logan Reese interviewed all the participating girls in a seductive manner.

Zoey Brooks dropped out, as she had to throw up in Logan’s vicinity.

Dustin was a bit disappointed.

I comforted him. “You wouldn’t want her to become the target of millions of perversely horny boys all over the country…”

Dustin sighed. “Too true… it’s just… I mate Catherine Peckerman, a girl from Zoey’s elementary school. And Zoey participated here in order to make that bitch go pale.”

I huggled Dustin.“Don’t worry. That lass will die form shame once Zoey has got her own fashion show on pay TV.”

Dustin swooned and beamed.

Everything seemed to lead up to a close tie between Shelby and Lola.

Little wonder…

Lola and Shelby walked past some muddy area.

The patch had been left behind by Buddha Bob after reparations of the campus pavement.

Unfortunately, Shelby slipped with her high-healed shoe.

Some splattering mud stained her gown.

Shelby cried, ’“Lola! You dare to!” Secure in the knowledge of Lola having stained her with mud, Shelby grabbed some dirt and flang it at Lola.

In no time, the bickering cosuins were covered all over.

Logan Reese had to drop them.

One girl was left in the lobng cue.

Logan Reese asked the new lass, “you are?”

The beauty queen answered, “my name is Mercedes Griffin, as in the heir of one of the biggest record producers of Los Angeles.”

Mr. Grifin was the man above Gustavo Rocque.

Logan grinned. “Hey, how about us having some dinner together?”

Mercedes shook her head. “I’m not going to date boys as hot or hotter than myself.”

Logan shrugged. “OK… no lobster at Vaccaro’s…” He waved with his platinum credit card.

Mercedes coughed, admitting, “except those owning a credit card matching mine…” She showed Logan her platinum credit card.

Logan beamed proudly.

Mercedes pulled Logan into a passionate kiss.

Logan blushed and started meltuing away. Being a reckless jerk, he had never blushed before.

Mercedes wondered, “what if the restaurant is already booked out?”

Logan smiled. “We will simply threaten them to buy the whole restaurant and dismiss the staff.”

Mercedes grinned. “Sure! But maybe our dads already own shares.”

Logan Reese chuckled with glee.

The winner of the contest was now obvious.

The following weeks, Logan Reese and Mercedes Griffin boasted even more with their bucks.

They had bought a helicopter for almost a million of dollars.

The air hopper stood now in the centre of our campus.

Logan Reese and Mercedes Griffin made out in the helicopter.

I shuddered.

At the same time, Logan Mitchell walked the campus, holding hands with his Quinn. He shook his head. “I can doo better than my dumb namesake!” He pulled Quinn into a close hug.

All of a sudden, Quinn’s breasts appeared to inflate.

Logan Mitchell gasped.

Quinn replied, “That’s the airbag we’ve been working on. I’ve build it into my bra.”

Logan Mitchell grinned. “Oh, wonderful!” He beamed with glee.

Quinn smiled. “What cup size do you want?”

Logan Mitchell shrugged. “I love you for your brain, anyways.”

Quinn nodded proudly.

Michael Barret ran across the camous. “Hey, I’ve watched the show of Henry Doheny. I bet I can sdo the same and untie me from any knot you can think of.”

I grinned. “OK, how about a showdown with the master himself?”

Michael remarked, “with Henry Doheny? You can’t even get him to visit us.” He grinned, secure in the knowledge of my suggestion being absurd.

Alas, being Megan Parker’s best friend made a bunch impossible things possible.

Megan had saved Doheny’s career. She was certainly able to persuade him into facing Michael Barret.

I had not been disappointed.

Doheny arrived on our campus.

Mr. Billiam, our teacher for geography, was going to tie both of them to a lamp post chosen by Chase. He was the most proficient knotter of California’s Union of Boy Scouts.

It was the location of Chase’s last bike crash.

Michael was trembling. Why had he exaggerated so much?

Doheny was free after half a minute. “That was no problem.”

Hours later, Michael was still whimpering and cringing.

Dustin and I, we had to cut hhim loose. “Next time you dare to challenge a great master, be more careful!”

Michael sighed shamefully.

At the same time, Malcolm Reese and Mr. Griffin entered the campus. They needed to talk some serious words to their kids.

Chaunsey, the butler of Mr. Reese1, followed them meekly.

Malcolm grunted, “a bill for a helicopter worth almost a million dollars, that’s so impossible!”

Griffin stiomped his feet. “Thye should never get a credit card again!”

Dustin and I, we should have rejoiced.

But we pitied Mercedes amd Logan Reese, not knowing why.

I approached the rick suckers. “Sorry, you nare Griffin and Reese, right?”

The dollar sacks nodded solemnly.

I begged them to be less harsh to their children. “Look, we kids need to learn to take responsibility. But you haven’t yet given them the chance to do something for your enterprises.”

Griffin and Reese glared aghast.

Dustin nodded. “Give them some task in your business, and let them report on a daily base. So there won’t be a chance for those naughty things to happen again!”

The tuxedo tooters started to understand.

“OK, you’ve convinced me,” remarked Griffin.

Reese chimed in. “But if they think about living in a wild relationship… it’s either an official engagement or nothing!”

Mr. Griffin shared the same opinion.

My mission was successful.

I had learned this strategy from pay TV.

Ok, for us kids, that meant: “party time!”

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Spring Breakup

Chapter 29  Big Walk

Many things had happened during the following weeks.

The parents of Dustin and Zoey had moved to England for professional reasons.1

Dustin and Zoey had decided to stay with us and their other friends.

Quinn and Logan Mitchell had imporoved their medical skills, mastering now laser surgery, especially eye lasering2. They were now offering their suupreme abilities over the interweb.

A certain Mrs. Puckett, mother of the co-host of our favourite web show, was going to be their most faithful customer.

You remember Denifer Garrett?

He was now back.

Denifer was only his middle name.

His proper first name was James.3

Whatever the name, he was surrounded by a swarm of shallow girls, just as a pile of horse goo was swarmed by flies.

I needed to keep him carefully away from the boobs’ girls and from Zoey.

Dustin needed money for buying his mom a webcam. He missed her a lot. He used to do errands for Logan.

But the latter was now busily helping his dad, and he had not much money to spend because of the increased control.

For that reason, I had talked Kazu into ging Dustin a waiter’s job.

The situation of Sushi Rox was not brilliant.

But it was not hard to convince Kazu of Dustin’s qualities.

Stallion Winchester, as horse from Mrs. Dunnaway’s ranch, had escaped and entered the campus, stalking Michael.4

I recognised the stud on site and called the righteous owner in order to fetch it.

I was already a good rider.

But Winchester was too big yet.

I still needed to mount ponies.

A charity walkathon was around the corner, organised by Carmine Puckett5, an uncle of Trisha Kirby.

I wondered, “how could such a mean-looking guy be responsible for a charity event? There was something totally fishy!”

Dustin and Zoey were participating.

We kids were encouraged to bet some bucks per mile a participant of our choice was making in the walkathon.

I could only afford fifty cents per mile masde by team Zoey and Dustin.

Alas, Lola and Kendall offered each thirty bucks on them.

They must have earned a lot by their recent events in Hollywood.

I was sure, “Zoey and Dustin are not going to stop before having given everything for unfortunate kids.”

I watched the walkathon on PCA sport channel.

Unfortunately, Jeremiah Trottman was moderating again. He was such an idiot.

Millie watched along with me.

We cheered fanatically for Dustin and Zoey.

I counted their miles.

14… 15… 16…17… 18… 19… 20… stop!

Twenty miles were enough.

This was going to cost me ten dollars.

I was soon going to get over that.

It was for a good purpose, anyways.

So I smiled.

Millie had to spend a similar amount of money for another team.

I huggled my Dustin. “You’ve been great!”

He smiled.

Kendall and Lola walked in.

Each of them gave Dustin thirty bucks.

Dustin looked aghast. “Sorry, I don’t collect the bucks, Mr. Puckett does.”

Lola and kendall shrugged.

I explained, “Wait! Dustin did twenty miles. 30 bucks per mile, that is 600 bucks from each of you.”

Kendall and Lola looked consternated. “Per mile?”

Dustin nodded solemnly. “Don’t you ever read the small print?”

I grunted, “Boobs and boobettes…”

I had assumed them to be rich Hollywood star.

Alas, I had forgotten one thing:

They were underaged, thus their revenues went to an account accessible only by their respective parents or with their agreement.

Getting to the point, neither Lola nor Kendall were able to pay their promises, and their respective parents had not been informed.

This was so going to call for troubles.

Lola and Kendall were now left with exactly 24 hours left to get at the appropriate amount of dollars, or else…

People like Carmine Puckett were not going to show any mercy, were they?

I decided to ask Gustavo Rocque for a loan, to be paid back by Kendall, complete with interests and iterated interests.

It was a long number to type.

I only reached his secretary, Kelly Wayright. How could a rather calm woman work for such a thunder’s voice? I explaine dthe situation.

Kelly replied, “is Kendall blackmailed by some criminal organisation?” She had made experiences with similar cases before.

I choked. “I fear so. They call themselves a charity org, but they are mean.”

Kelly promised to try to persuade Gustavo.

Good luck!

Kendall and Lola, still devoid of bucks, had to face Carmine.

Carmine grinned satanically.

In this moment, the door sprang open.

Gustavo Rocque and Officer Garcia jumped in.

Officer Garcia explained, “Mr. Carmine Puckett!”

Carmine grinned. “This time, you can’t prove anything!”

Apparently, it was not their first encounter.

Gustavo Rocque thundered at the top of his lungs. “The whole action was illegal. You can’t charhe that much money from children without their parents’ consent. I once spent thirty hours in community service for trying to do so.”

Carmine Puckett was consternated.

Carlos’s Ted explained, “you are now given 24 hours for returning the money paid by the students of the Pacific Coast Academy. Or else…”

Carmine Puckett tried to jump around and flee through the backdoor.

Too bad the same thing was barred by Gustavo’s bodyguard Freighttrain and by Shelby Marx.

Officer Garcia grabbed Carmine. “So… you’ve cheated my son Carlos off 20 bucks and a new helmet. Where are they?”

Carmine pretended to be clueless.

Freighttrain grabbed Carmine and shook him violently.

A few bucks dropped out of the charlatan’s pockets.

Garcia counted them. “OK, that’s it, I guess.”

Most of the other money had already been spent by Carmine Puckett for less noble purposes.

Carmine was condemned to 40 weeks of community service, involving knitting pullovers for old people, using the designs by Zoey Brooks.

I got my bucks finally back.

Finally, Dustin had got enough money for buying a webcam for his mom.

1
cf. Zoey 101 : Good-Bye, Zoey!
2
cf. Zoey 101 : Trading Places
3
cf. Zoey 101 : Rumors Of Love
4
cf. Zoey 101 : Quinn Misses The Mark
5
identifies Carmine from Zoey 101 : Walkathon with unportrayed uncle Carmine from iCarly : iLook Alike

Chapter 30  Big Ride

The junior pro for Zoey and her pals was not far away.

Just like Dustin, I was hired by Kazu as a buffet page during the event.

The participants were sure going to be thirsty and hungry.

That was going to be our job.

Kendall was going to participate as Lola’s partner.

Likewise, Carlos was chosen as Nicole’s date.

Camille got to accompany Lafe.

Finally, Logan Mitchell was predestined for accompanying Quinn.

But James’s girlfriend, Trina, was not yet a junior.

For that avail, James was barred from the prom ball. He sighed with despair.

Dustin and I, we met Zoey in her lounge.

She was worried.

We wondered why.

Zoey explained, “we are learning some crap about potential and kinetic energy in physics, and Quinn suggested to go to a rollercoaster for field studies. She sees a connection between rollercoasters and energy stuuff, wonder what…”

Dustin grinned. “Cool! A field trip to a rollercoaster!”

I sighed. “Mom says I’m too small for rollercoasters!”

Dustin grunted, “she’s mean!”

Unfortunately, Kendall was going to watch me keeping the strict rule.

Dustin wondered, “why are you worried, then? It will be a cool field trip.”

Zoey moaned, “sure, for me, and for most of us, but Michael is afraid of rollercoasters.”

I sighed. “Can’t I trade places with him? Just for one day. Please!” I begged furiously.

Zoey looked at me aghast, grunting, “there’s no way you could pass for Michael!”

I sighed.

Dustin moaned, “I’m twelve years old, and that’s enough for the Spine Twister at Mystery Mountain.”

Zoey shrugged. “That’s where we will go.”

Dustin sobbed. He wanted to go to the rollercoaster in my company, so we could snuggle closely in narrow curves.

That would have been so much fun.

But was there really no way?

Megan was eleven years when blackmailing her boobs into taking her to the Demonator1, another rollercoaster-like craft at Mystery Mountain, the greatest fun park between Los Angeles and the Mexican border. Alas, Megan had been very lucky back then.

In addition, Drake and Josh had taken her to Mystery Mountain, not in the framework of some field trip organised by others.

So, passing as Michael was the way to go.

I begged Camille to help me dress as Michael.

She started laughing. But then she snuck with me into the costume storage.

Nicole Bristow was already waiting there. She was going to study at a vocational college for beauticians. Now she was ready to do my face makeup.

I wondered how much ink it was going to take in order to make my face appear like Michael’s.

Millie was with me. “Michael is such a coward…” She helped Nicole.

I chuckled.

Michael was dragged in by Amber and Shannon.

Camille explained, “OK, in order to escape the rollercoaster, you have to look like Katie.”

Michael went pale.

I grinned.

For Michael that meant appearing much smaller than in realty.

Camille chuckled. “OK, theatre knows means and tricks in order to…”

Nicole picked a sharp-looking knife.

Millie grinned. “It’s really quite easy. I just have to take this knife and cut everything not looking like Katie off Michael.”

Michael started squealing and whimpering in agony.

Dauntless Millie showed no mercy.

Michael screamed, “no! Not even a rollercoaster can be that intimidating. I’ve changed my mind! I join the rollercoaster…”

Millie grinned. “OK, Michael…”

Nicole and Camille stopped the action.

I was sad. “But then I can’t join them to the rollwercoaster…” I pouted violently.

Camille grinned. “Aw aw aw aw aw!”

Camille had guided me back to the campus square.

Some strange device, looking like a strange wheel chair, was wired and powered by Quinn and Logan Mitchell.

Camille smiled. “OK, we need a second seat,”

Quinn wondered what was going on.

I asked, “what’s that monster good for?”

Logan snickered. He explained, “it serves for training astronauts, but it may also simulate the feeling of a ride in a rollercoaster.”

Quinn nodded vigorously. “We’ve built it in order to train Michael in losing his fears of the rollercoaster.”

Camille assured, “trust me, he’s no no more afraid of it. But Katie is still deemed too small for a real rollercoaster, so she might injoy a virtual rollercoaster ride.”

I grinned, admitting, “but only when Dustin is by my side.”

For that avail, Camille had ordered the addition of a second seat.

Dustin was still busy with soccer training, so there was no way to enjoy the virtual rollercoaster ride on site.

I strolled across the campus.

There was Michael again. He had just lost his fear of rollercoasters.

Millie grabbed him firmly. “And now you will lose your fear of stick-switched cars.”

Michael trembled. He had inherited a car of his grandfather. But he was unable to drive it. He had acquired his driver’s permit on an auto-switched vehicle.

Millie jumped into the car.

Michael protested, “You’re only ten years old, you can’t even have a valid learner’s permit…”

Dauntless Millie made the motors roar. “Watch and learn!” She drove foreward and backward, up and down the parking lot, left and ride, on four, three, two, or just one wheel, whatever…

Michael twitched.

But Millie showed no mercy.

There was no way back for Michael.

The next day, the older kids were on the field trip.

Camille operated the rollercoaster simulator. “Coming into the air in five… four… three… two…”

Dustin and I, we feeled like shot to the moon. We screemed with excitement.

Camille cried for music.

Kendall sang for us.

Let’s fly way up through the clouds
Away from the PCA’s crowds2

Camille clapped along.

Let them sing down the stream of
A life that they dream of,
A stronghold of peace ’n harmony

Camille ordered Kendall to sing louder.

Just like birds of a feather
To Elysium together they flee.
Katie’s delicate heart swings.
Dustin’s love’s giving her wings.

The ride stopped after an hour.

Camille guided us out of the simulator.

Kendall shrugged. “OK, Zoey told me to borrow you this…” He showed us a little box with a bow on it, containing the promise rings Chase and Zoey had donned first at Chase’s last birthday party.

We smiled with excitement. Alas, we were going to don them and saying a few words of promise only during Zoey’s junior prom.

Finally, the kids returned from the field trip.

Logan Reese and Mercedes Griffin were all pale. They had made fun of Michael’s fears. But Logan and Mercedes, not Michael, had been the ones to puke during the whole ride…

Beyoncé had been ordered by Gustavo to perform upon the prom.

Jame and Trina had made it to the prom, too. They had found fake partners to help them put:

Dana Cruz and her lover Workout-Dave had invited Trina and James, respectively.

That was cool.

We finally donned our promise rings, giving a few cool promises in front of a thoroughly touched audience. And we have never ever broken them.

The End

1
cf. Drake & Josh : The Demonator
2
modification of Volare, Cantare, a song by Frank Sinatra which I don’t own

This document was translated from LATEX by
HEVEA.

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